


Achromatic Ecstasy

by swshawnee



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-06 17:55:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3143354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swshawnee/pseuds/swshawnee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite having been best friends all of their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It's the fourth week of summer holidays before Hongbin's junior year of high school. His sleeping habits are more than just a little wrecked by now; enough so that he still feels drowsy when he heads over to Jaehwan's apartment this evening to play some video games. Summer is in full bloom, and he feels blessed as he turns his face towards the sun on his walk over there. 

But maybe that feeling has more to do with the fact that he's about to see Jaehwan again after a whole month of separation. He doesn't know why, but after the last day of school, the older went into a state of silence where Hongbin was unable to reach him for weeks, a state which he only recently came out of. It was Jaehwan's idea to have a gaming night, and the thought fills Hongbin's chest with something that feels like boiling water.

Jaehwan's mother greets him at the door when he arrives, and he grins widely as she embraces him. 

”Our dear Hongbin,” she fusses, ”you're finally back. It's so good to see you again.” 

Hongbin wants to argue and say that it's Jaehwan who's back, not him, because he's been here all along. He can't imagine any other place he'd rather be. But he keeps quiet, and nods enthusiastically, because he's missed her, too, and the whole Lee family. ”Jaehwan only woke up an hour ago,” Mrs. Lee continues, gesturing towards his room. ”Go in there and sort him out for you, would you? Since he turned eighteen he barely listens to his mother anymore.” 

They laugh, and Hongbin removes his shoes. ”I'm not much better myself, but I'll give it my best.” He leans forward, catching a glimpse of Mr. Lee sitting on the couch in the living room with the television remote securely in his hand. ”Hi, Mr. Lee!”

”Hongbin,” the man greets. His voice is low, and he never says much, but the feeling is warm, just like it always has been, every single time Hongbin has visited this apartment over the years. 

Mrs. Lee leans closer and lowers her voice. ”Will you let Sanghyuk join you two for a while later?” she asks. ”He's been going on and on about this since Jaehwan told him you were coming over.” 

Hongbin can't stop smiling. ”Of course,” he promises, because even though Jaehwan's brother is a few years younger than them, he's mature where it counts. Something that, Hongbin suspects, comes from having Jaehwan as a brother. ”I've missed him, too.” 

Mrs. Lee gives him a grateful pat on his shoulder. ”My good boy.” Then she leaves, and Hongbin walks past the white kitchen, to the room the furthest to the left, and doesn't bother knocking before he enters. 

Jaehwan is leaned back against his black couch, his feet on the table and a game controller in his hand. He gives Hongbin a quick glance when he enters, but turns his eyes back to the television immediately, probably because he's in the middle of an intense fight sequence. ”Hey there, Kong-ah,” he says, his oncoming smile broken by a frown as his character almot gets torn to pieces. 

”Hey yourself,” Hongbin says, closing the door behind him. It feels good to be back.

”Check this out, this game is amazing,” Jaehwan hurries, as if they haven't just been apart, barely talking for a whole month. 

”Which is it?” Hongbin asks, doing as he's told and hurrying over to the couch to throw himself down next to his hyung. 

”It's the new Halo.” 

”Already?” Hongbin gawks. 

”Yeah,” Jaehwan laughs. ”I queued outside of gamestop last night.” 

Hongbin raises an eyebrow, and Jaehwan glances at him. ”Really?”

”Don't look at me like that,” Jaehwan grumbles, pouting a little. ”I already know how sad I am. Or was. There's no room for sadness in me now, cause I have the new Halo game!” He laughs, and Hongbin rolls his eyes, unable to stop himself from laughing along. 

”Please, don't tell me video games is the reason I haven't heard from you in an entire month,” Hongbin jokes, but Jaehwan's laughter dies down. An awkward smile appears in its place. 

”No, no,” he assures. ”I'm sorry about that. Actually, I've been, uh, hanging out with someone.” 

Hongbin stares at him. Does that mean Jaehwan got himself a girlfriend? He wants to ask, but at the same time, if Jaehwan has hooked up with someone, Hongbin doubts it would be a girl. ”Oh?” he asks instead. 

”It's someone you know, but you'll never guess who it is,” Jaehwan continues, practically killing the buttons on his controller in an attempt to escape. 

”Then who?” 

”Jung Taekwoon,” Jaehwan says, and for a moment, Hongbin draws a blank, but then he remembers. 

”Jung Taekwoon?” he repeats. ”The Taekwoon we went to elementary school with?” 

”That's the one.” 

”Huh,” Hongbin says, frowning as he watches Jaehwan's character draw closer to death. ”Wasn't he like a total introvert back then?” 

”Oh yeah,” Jaehwan nods. ”With disgustingly rich parents.”

”Oh, that's right,” Hongbin says as his mind is flooded with memories of their younger days. ”He was the kid who had everything you could imagine except for friends.” 

Jaehwan snorts. ”Something like that. You won't believe how much he's changed, though. So much stuff has happened to him, it's kind of crazy.” 

Hongbin's ears perk up in curiosity. ”Like what?” 

”Okay, get this,” Jaehwan starts, still with his eyes glued to the screen. ”He fell out with his parents so badly that for every week that passes when he doesn't contact them, they give him enough money to get by on his own.” 

”For real?” Hongbin asks in disbelief. 

”Yup,” Jaehwan nods. ”Until he turns twenty. Then he'll have to take care of himself.” 

”Yikes.” 

”Pretty much. And I don't know if it's because of that, but he's become really social and stuff since then. He basically talks more than me now.” 

Hongbin laughs. ”Okay, now you're full of shit. That can't be possible.” 

”Hey!” Jaehwan turns to him, face offended, and when he realizes his mistake and turns back to the television, his character is already dead. ”Look, you made me die,” he huffs. ”You murderer.” 

Hongbin throws his head back and laughs. ”I never said it was a bad thing,” he says, face towards the ceiling. ”I like that you talk a lot.” 

Jaehwan grunts in reponse. ”Do you want to give it a try?” he asks, holding out the controller for him. 

”Sure,” Hongbin says, taking it in his hands. ”Watch me go further than you on my first try.” 

”Okay, but I'm warning you, if you do our friendship is over, and I will deny to the whole world that I never even knew your name.” Hongbin laughs again, and lets his head slide off the backrest and onto Jaehwan's shoulder. Nothing has changed, Jaehwan doesn't push him away, and Hongbin feels as in love as he always has. He's long since past the point of suffering from it, too; he's content just like this, with Jaehwan being close to him out of his own free will rather than because of the promise of a relationship. 

”So, you've been busy with Taekwoon,” Hongbin says as the screen loads. ”What have you guys been up to?” 

”Not much,” Jaehwan tells him. ”Partying, mostly.”

”Really,” Hongbin says, because Jaehwan was honestly never much of a party person. Neither was Hongbin. 

”Yeah, Taekwoon hyung is crazy about it,” Jaehwan explains. ”I've been going mostly for his sake.” 

”Aha,” Hongbin mumbles. He feels his face heat up as he asks: ”So are you two... you know?” 

”Are we what?” 

”You know,” Hongbin says, straightening his back and removing his head from Jaehwan's shoulder. ”Dating, or whatever.” 

Jaehwan looks appalled. ”Oh, God, no,” he says, giving a strained laugh. ”It's nothing like that. I'm pretty sure hyung is straight, and we're just friends.” 

”Okay,” Hongbin says, holding up his hands a little to calm the other's outburst. His mind reels at how Jaehwan said Taekwoon's straight, nothing about his own orientation, and Hongbin thinks he has enough proof by now that there's a chance, however small it may be, that his feelings wouldn't be completely unrequited. He holds his breath, unsure of what else to say, and is saved by the game finally jumping to a start. ”Maybe I could join you guys sometime,” he says and tries to sound casual. ”If you don't mind, of course. It'd be interesting to see what Taekwoon hyung is like nowadays.” He shrugs. 

Jaehwan's arm glides over the backrest, and if he just lowered it a little bit it would encircle Hongbin's shoulders. He wishes his upper body was taller. ”I was going to ask you about that, actually,” Jaehwan replies. ”He's coming over on Sunday. You could come, too.” 

Jaehwan sounds just as casual as Hongbin doesn't feel. ”Okay, cool. I will.” 

It doesn't take long until Jaehwan starts giving him pointers on how to best play the game. Hongbin does well on his own, but Jaehwan still covers his hands on the controller with his, showing him which buttons to press and when to do it, and Hongbin listens attentively, asks questions that he already knows the answers to, and he pretends silently to himself that they are a couple, that Jaehwan is his boyfriend, and his whole body feels lighter from happiness. Eventually Jaehwan decides he's taught him enough, but though he laughs when Hongbin makes mistakes, he cheers for him, too. And that's really all he needs. 

”Has your dad started getting on your back about college yet, by the way?” he asks a few minutes later, and Jaehwan sprawls his upper body all over Hongbin's lap with a drawn-out groan. 

”All the fucking time,” he whines, staring up at Hongbin through pained eyes. ”I swear, I've heard the word 'college' so many times over the past month that it's starting to lose its meaning to me. What is college? What is education? Who am I?” 

Hogbin moves the controller out of the way to glance down at his friend. ”You're Lee Jaehwan, video game geek and the biggest drama queen the town has ever seen,” he grins, and laughs a little when the older shows him a face that is extremely unamused. ”Promise me that you'll take drama, hyung. It'd be such a waste if you didn't.” 

”Ugh, I don't know,” Jaehwan responds, turning his head to watch Hongbin's progress. ”At this point, all I really care about is that it doesn't take me too far away from you... and everyone.” He scratches at his head. ”I like it too much here. That's all I really care about now.” 

Hongbin smiles and uses the game as an excuse to not reply. It's a good thing, because nothing he wants to say is very appropriate, anyway. 

”Do you want some chips?” Jaehwan asks after a few moments of silence. ”I bought the chili kind, since you like them so much.” 

Hongbin nods. ”Sure.” 

And Jaehwan gets up from his lap and leaves the room, leaves Hongbin to sigh contentedly to himself, because this is them. This is how they work. They toe the lines of friendship even though neither of them is sure where those lines are drawn, and when they get too close, Jaehwan is always the one to change the subject, to break away, and Hongbin knows that he's scared. That's okay. He can't do anything about that, and if Jaehwan ever comes around and gets over whatever it is that is holding him back, Hongbin will be there for him immediately. He's been ready for a long time, long enough that Jaehwan knows about his feelings for him, despite how hard Hongbin used to try to keep them to himself. They're too close to hide this kind of thing from one another. 

And in all honesty, Hongbin can't wait for the day when things will finally happen with them. He's in no doubt that they will, someday.


	2. Chapter 2

”Hey, Hongbin,” Taekwoon greets him that Sunday, holding out his hand and bumping their shoulders together when Hongbin takes it. ”It's been a while, huh?” 

Hongbin nods uncertainly. ”Yeah, no kidding,” he laughs. ”How are you, hyung?” 

”Ah, you know,” Taekwoon says, waving his hand at him. ”Life sucks and then you die. Right?” 

Hongbin blinks. ”Right.”

They're in Jaehwan's room, and as Hongbin and Taekwoon sink down on his couch, the owner of the room closes the door and looks at them with an almost tense expression on his face. Hongbin knows what he's feeling; introducing two people from different parts of your life can sometimes feel like worlds colliding, so he smiles at him in a way that he hopes is reassuring. 

”Well, I heard you got your own place, at least?” Hongbin says, turning back to Taekwoon. ”That must be nice.” 

”Yeah,” Taekwoon nods. ”It's a shitty little house over on the east side of town.” He grimaces. ”Actually, it's more like a cottage.” 

”Uh,” Hongbin says and feels dumb. ”Well, even so, living alone must be heaven. I still live with my parents, so...” He stops himself when he remembers what Jaehwan told him, how Taekwoon's parents pay him not to get in touch, and he regrets his words immediately; Taekwoon would probably give anything to have parents that cared for him.

”Yeah, fuck 'em,” Taekwoon laughs, to Hongbin's surprise. He throws a look at Jaehwan, who is just sitting down on his bed, and he gives Hongbin a small smile that is the equivalent of a shrug. Hongbin wonders for a moment if Taekwoon has learned to read it yet. ”Anyway,” Taekwoon says, pulling his legs up on the couch between himself and Hongbin, ”what do you guys wanna do?” 

Hongbin's eyes find Jaehwan's again, because they're both the type to be perfectly content with just talking, but Taekwoon seems to be different. He shifts his gaze between the two of them a few times, apparently expecting a plan of some sort, so Jaehwan clears his throat. 

”I don't know, we could play some games or watch a movie or something,” he says, and Taekwoon seems happy with that answer.

”Alright. Do you have any beer?” 

Hongbin has to hold back a laugh. 

”Not at the moment, sorry,” Jaehwan says, smiling sheepishly.

Taekwoon nods. ”Then how about some weed?” 

Hongbin's eyes widen without his consent. Jaehwan throws him an uncomfortable look, and Hongbin can't help but wonder how the older ended up becoming friends with this guy, of all people. ”No, I don't,” Jaehwan says, hushed. ”I can't smoke that shit around here, you know, my parents would flip if they found out.” 

Oh. Oh. Hongbin stares between the two of them and he doesn't feel like laughing anymore. 

”I get you,” Taekwoon nods. Then he turns to Hongbin. ”How about you? Do you get high?” 

”Uhm,” Hongbin stutters. ”No. Not so far.” 

Taekwoon leans back, nodding slowly. ”Right. Man, you should have been there last weekend, though. It was so great.” He looks to Jaehwan for agreement, excited smile on his face, and Jaehwan returns it, but there's shame in his eyes and it leaves Hongbin puzzled. 

”Why? What happened?” 

”We just got a little high,” Jaehwan hurries, stumbles past the words as if he wants them out of the way. ”That's all.” He gives Taekwoon a pointed look, and if he thinks that Hongbin hasn't learned to pick up on those yet, he's terribly mistaken. 

”Yeah,” Taekwoon agrees, straightening out his features a little. ”But it was a lot of fun. You should come with us sometime.”

Hongbin feels speechless, but he nods, because he feels as though that's the furthest he's capable of going right now. ”Maybe so.” 

They fall silent, and for the first time in God knows how long, Hongbin doesn't feel like returning Jaehwan's stare that's burning into the side of his face. It's not that bad, Hongbin tells himself. He doesn't know much about the drug, but what he does know is that alcohol can in many cases be considered more dangerous. It's fine, it's okay, it's no big deal.   
Except, Jaehwan is lying to him, and he doesn't know about what. 

”So, how about that movie, huh?” Taekwoon asks, breaking the silence. Both of the others look at him. ”What do you want to watch?” 

 

 

Well, if this isn't insane, Hongbin thinks when Taekwoon takes off a few hours later and he's left alone with his best friend, the one he thought he knew so well. A lot can apparently happen in a month.

He knows from the look on the other boy's face when the door slams shut that he knows exactly what Hongbin is thinking, so he decides to waste no time. ”So,” he mumbles, and Jaehwan sighs. ”You're smoking weed now, huh?” All things considered, he manages to not make it sound like an accusation. 

Jaehwan shrugs. ”It's no big deal.” He walks around Hongbin and sits down in the spot Taekwoon has been occupying all night. 

”Right.” He doesn't know what else to say that won't make him sound like a worried parent, or, god forbid, a terribly un-hip person, so he sighs. ”You weren't kidding when you said Taekwoon has changed.” 

”Yeah,” Jaehwan breathes, disguising a laugh. 

”He's kind of...” 

Jaehwan looks at him, seemingly scared of what he's going to say. ”Messed up?”

”Something like that,” Hongbin agrees. 

”Who isn't a little messed up, though,” Jaehwan asks, and Hongbin wants to think neither he nor Jaehwan is particularly messed up, but he holds it back. Maybe it isn't true, anyway. ”Considering what he's gone through with his parents, it isn't that strange. He's still nice.” 

”Yeah, I don't mean it like he's a bad guy or anything.” Jaehwan looks down at his hands, and Hongbin feels awful where he stands, just inside the door. ”It'll just take some time for me to understand him, I guess.” 

”I get that,” Jaehwan nods. And then silence falls, like Hongbin feared it would, and it's not at all the comfortable silence that they're used to, because Hongbin can't help but feel like he has been let down, even if Jaehwan is a free person who can do whatever he wants, and Jaehwan himself seems to feel as though he has let Hongbin down, too. 

”So,” Jaehwan says, stretching uncomfortably, ”do you want to stay and play some games or something?” Hongbin hesitates, and Jaehwan hurries to continue: ”Or we could listen to some music or just, I don't know, anything.” 

”I should probably get home,” Hongbin says. He looks at the watch on his wrist – he's probably the last person in the universe who still wears a wrist watch despite carrying a cellphone, what a loser he is, really – and it shows only a few minutes past eight in the evening. Even so, he doesn't want to stay. And he thinks maybe it's the first time that has happened. 

”Okay,” Jaehwan says. They both know that the other feels it too; that their inability to talk about this might turn into something much worse than it needs to be. But Jaehwan gets up and walks him out into the hallway, and they wave at Sanghyuk who's having a night snack at the kitchen table, full of smiles and teasing words as always. 

”I'll see you soon?” Jaehwan tries as Hongbin opens the front door. The younger smiles and nods, because he doesn't under any circumstances want to lose his best friend. 

”Yeah,” he replies. ”See you.” 

The moment the door closes, he is terrified.


	3. Chapter 3

They don't speak for days after that. Hongbin doesn't know why Jaehwan doesn't contact him, and he still isn't sure how to start a conversation with the other boy, so he opts for waiting, even though it's starting to get on his nerves. Not to mention how nervous it makes him.

The silence is broken when Jaehwan calls him, six days later, and Hongbin has never been so quick to pick up a call before in his life.

”Hello?”

” _Hey, it's Jaehwan_.”

The sound of his voice still provokes the same feelings in Hongbin as always. ”Hey, hyung.”

” _What are you up to_?”

He sounds like he's in a bad mood, but Hongbin doesn't want to ask. ”Not much. You?” Really, he's lying on his stomach on his bed, flipping through new pictures he's just been out taking.

” _I'm with Taekwoon hyung_ ,” Jaehwan replies, and Hongbin's mood plummets. Of course that's the reason why he hasn't been in touch. ” _We're going to this concert in the city tonight, do you wanna come_?” 

Hongbin stares out the window. Maybe it's time to see him again, to finally break their silence. ”What concert?”

” _It's this... electronic rock band_ ,” Jaehwan explains, and he sounds tired, suddenly. ” _They're called Nine Inch Nails. They're American._ ” 

” _He's probably never heard of them, has he_?” comes Taekwoon's voice somewhere beyond Jaehwan's. ” _He looks like the kind of person who'd listen to stuff like One Direction – actually, he looks like the kind of person who'd be in One Direction_.” He laughs, and Hongbin frowns at Jaehwan's snort. 

” _Uh_.” 

”I didn't know you liked stuff like that,” Hongbin says, and no matter how much he tries not to sound accusing, it doesn't really work this time.

” _They're pretty cool_ ,” Jaehwan says evasively. ” _Do you want to come_?” 

Hongbin sits up. Something throbs painfully inside him, in a drawn-out, aching sort of way, and for a moment he wants to forget about Jaehwan completely. ”Thanks, but I think it's just going to be me and photoshop tonight,” he replies, glancing at the laptop on his desk.

” _You sure_?” 

”Yeah. I think as a One Direction member, I wouldn't really fit in with the crowd.” He laughs slightly, tries to keep it light-hearted, but of course the other boy already knows that he's a little insulted.

” _Hey, don't take it personally, okay? Taekwoon's the one who said I should invite you_.” 

Hongbin frowns. ”Really?” he says, not sure if that makes him feel better or worse.

” _Yeah. I didn't think you'd want to come, and I don't want to force you or anything_.” 

Hongbin hums. ”Maybe some other time.”

There's a tentative pause. ” _Yeah_ ,” Jaehwan says then. ” _Okay. Talk later, then. Have fun with editing and stuff._ ” 

”Thanks. I hope you'll have a good time at the concert.”

But Jaehwan has already hung up, he realizes, and he feels stupid for a second before he throws his cellphone to the foot of his bed. It's better like this, he decides as he gets up to transfer his newly taken pictures into his computer. It's easier being alone, when you don't have to deal with feeling the way Hongbin does right now. Not that he's completely alone except for Jaehwan, of course. He has his family. And Wonshik, who's his best friend in his year, and of course there's Hakyeon, who Wonshik drags with him more or less everywhere he goes. Wonshik's own version of Jaehwan, Hongbin guesses, and laughs a little. He doesn't see them too often, though. And he chats online a bit with friends from school from time to time, but he doesn't meet up with them on his spare time. So far, it's been because he's always been busy with Jaehwan. Now, he's not so sure.

 

Many hours later, when he's deep into editing some pictures together, his phone beeps. He barely catches it, the vibrations cushioned by the sheets of his bed, where it still lies, but he dutifully goes to pick it up, trying to convince himself that he's not hoping it's Jaehwan. Jaehwan telling him that his plans are cancelled, asking if he can come over, asking if they can talk, anything – but it's not. It's Jaehwan's little brother.

 

19:57

sanghyuk

hi hyung

 

He walks back to his computer, smiling a little to himself. Of course, he has Sanghyuk too, how could he forget? It's no secret that the younger looks up to him (quite literally, too; he'll look up at Hongbin through starry eyes every now and again and get angry when someone points it out to him), and Hongbin enjoys looking out for him. It's almost like he's Hongbin's little brother, too.

 

19:59

hongbin

hey, hyuk. how are you?

 

20:00

sanghyuk

fine, hbu?

 

20:01

hongbin

fine too~ it's saturday night after all :3

 

20:04

sanghyuk

yeah

 

Hongbin decides there's nothing else he can do with the picture he's currently editing, a picture of a field of high grass tossing and turning in the wind under the beaming sun. He likes it, he likes many of the pictures he's taken, but most of the time he wonders what exactly he's trying to say with them. He hasn't had many brilliant ideas for images yet, but he's getting better.

Wanting to edit some more, he scrolls through old pictures to find another victim. There are so many of them by now, as he's stacked them up on his hard drive year by year, and to his great irritation, Jaehwan's face keeps popping up on his screen more often than he should. Why did Hongbin take so many of him? Was he not even  _trying_ to be discreet about his feelings? And why does Jaehwan's face suddenly stir irritation and not happiness, in him? 

 

20:12

sanghyuk

hyung, are you going to start visiting more?

 

Hongbin stares at his computer screen. A picture of Jaehwan standing on Hongbin's balcony with his arms spread out wide and the whole neighborhood behind him is open on his photoshop. And god fucking damnit, he was supposed to not think about Jaehwan tonight, not sit in front of his laptop alone like a fucking loser, editing pictures of the love of his life, who, coincidentally, has moved on to someone more fun than Hongbin himself.

 

20:15

hongbin

i hope so ^^

 

He removes the sun from the clear, blue sky.

 

20:17

sanghyuk

me too. i think jaehwan hyung would be happier then

 

Hongbin stares at the message.

 

20:18

hongbin

is he not happy now?

 

20:19

sanghyuk

idk he isn't home

 

20:20

hongbin

i was talking generally.

 

He darkens the world behind Jaehwan and makes it black and white. The space between himself and Jaehwan remains in color.

 

20:22

sanghyuk

idk he's just acting kinda weird recently

 

20:23

hongbin

yeah? how so?

 

He tilts his head. What does this picture mean? Right now it looks like Jaehwan is the king of the universe in the picture, and he has taken the sun, the light and color and kept it all for himself. But that can't be what Hongbin means, can it?

 

20:26

sanghyuk

he stays out a lot and he doesn't ever really hang out w/ me anymore

idk i guess he wants to move out really bad

also he doesnt really care if taekwoon hyung treats me like a bug

 

20:28

hongbin

honestly, i think taekwoon treats everyone like a bug.

 

He knows as he sends the message that this is not the way he should be comforting Sanghyuk.

 

20:29

sanghyuk

yeah well jaehwan hyung used to always defend me against people like that

 

20:31

hongbin

maybe he thinks you're old and strong enough now to defend yourself.

 

He stares at the picture again. Maybe that, or Jaehwan doesn't care as much about Sanghyuk or Hongbin anymore. Or maybe, Hongbin is just paranoid, in love and terrified of change. Maybe.

 

20:39

sanghyuk

ha. yea maybe

 

The picture means that whenever Jaehwan is with him, on same level as Hongbin, the world is beautiful. But whenever he turns around and goes into this beautiful world alone, Hongbin is afraid of what he will do.

But doesn't that just mean that Hongbin is selfish? These are the things Jaehwan wants to do nowadays, he wants to smoke weed and listen to obscene music (Hongbin looked one of the band's songs up on youtube, and it was just noise mixed with dirty lyrics). People change. Maybe this is simply who Jaehwan is nowadays.

 

”Hongbin?”

He jerks back in surprise to see his mother standing in the doorway. ”Yes?”

”We're going to bed.” She pauses, squinting at Hongbin's computer screen. ”Did you make that?”

”Uh, yes,” Hongbin says, and he wants to minimize the window, but it's too late now.

”That's a really good picture of Jaehwan,” she comments. ”You'll have to bring him over one of these days, it's been so long since I saw him.” Hongbin nods, and wonders for the millionth time what she would say if she knew the whole story of Hongbin's feelings for Jaehwan. Maybe she already does. She is his mother, after all. ”Okay, well, good night, honey.”

”Good night.” She clicks the door shut and he's left there staring at the screen again. In the end, he closes the image without saving, and tries to find something new yet again to play around with, but he comes up all pictures of Jaehwan; he's the only thing his mind has room for right now, the only thing he cares enough about to get involved with.

 

21:58

sanghyuk

what if hyung does something stupid when hes out though

 

22:01

hongbin

like what?

 

22:05

sanghyuk

idk gets into trouble somehow

 

Hongbin doesn't know if Sanghyuk knows how right he is to be concerned, but right or not, he shouldn't have to worry like this.

 

22:07

hongbin

don't worry, hyuk-ah, he's not stupid, he can take care of himself.

 

Sanghyuk doesn't reply after that, and Hongbin gets lost in the world of editing yet again, lets his mind run on and on in endless trains of thought that have to do with everything he doesn't want to think about it. It feels good, though, even if it hurts – he supposes this process needs to happen, so he lets it.

His phone vibrates again almost an hour later, when his eyes are starting to sting from constant concentration.

 

22:52

jaehwan

you're amazing and i hope you know that

 

Hongbin stares at the message. He can read what it says, but he doesn't understand what the fuck it means. The only thing he can imagine is that it's sarcasm, a mockery of some kind, but he still can't stop the stupid corners of his mouth from tilting upwards.

 

22:55

hongbin

hyung, what?

 

22:59

jaehwan

i love you, is all

 

”Ah, that's all, huh?” Hongbin mumbles. He starts to feel warm, but then he wonders – is Jaehwan high? Or is he just drunk? It wouldn't be the first drunken text he sends him, but those usually involve more spelling errors than this. He doesn't know what effect drugs have on people's ability to type on phones, really, but suddenly it seems like the only possible explanation for all of this.

 

23:05

hongbin

i love you too, hyung.

 

He sends it, but he feels unbearably bitter as he does so. And he wonders how he ended up like this, so resentful of his best friend, just by staying in his room alone for a single night.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

There's a playground about a hundred meters from Jaehwan's apartment. There are swings, two sandboxes, seesaws and other things strewn about, and towards the only side of the playground that isn't lined with apartment buildings, there are rocks, big enough for a grown man to have to put some effort into climbing to the top. It's dangerous for children, of course, so there's a fence lining them, but Hongbin loves them. He's been there countless of times with Jaehwan and Sanghyuk, and even if his and Jaehwan's friendship is going down the drain, he isn't going to stop coming there. He loves sitting on top of the boulders, looking out over the neighborhood, especially at sunset. There are hundreds of pictures of sunsets as seen from that spot on Hongbin's computer, and he never tires of photographing it.

So that's where he is now, camera in his hands, headphones over his ears (which are not playing One Direction, thank you very much), and he still feels at home here even without Jaehwan. He curls his legs under him and feels his phone vibrate as he does so. His heart sinks when he pulls it out.

 

17:12

sanghyuk

hyung..

 

17:12

hongbin

yeah?

 

17:13

sanghyuk

i think jaehwan hyung has drugs in his room

 

He really should think about getting rid of his cellphone and isolating himself.

So Sanghyuk knows after all, huh? The kid (ish, Hongbin can't get used to the thought that his fifteenth birthday is coming up) understands more than he lets on.

 

17:15

hongbin

what makes you say that?

 

17:20

sanghyuk

im going over to sungjaes house to play this game but jaehwan hyung borrowed it from me a few days ago, so i went into his room when he wasnt home to find it. but he came home and i didnt hear him come in and he saw me open his drawers and so he grabbed me by the jacket and threw me out, i fell face first into the chest in the hallway and now i have the biggest cut on my cheek so idk if i can go over to sungjae like this

 

Hongbin feels cold inside. It sounds more or less like an accident, but the Jaehwan Hongbin knows  _adores_ Sanghyuk, and would never do anything like this to him. 

 

17:22

hongbin

i'm at the playground by your apartment. can you come?

 

17:23

sanghyuk

ok

 

The kid comes stumbling over a few minutes later, the climbing made difficult by the shaking of his hands. Hongbin takes one look at the cut on his cheek, a contrast to his perfectly styled, blond hair, and he wants to vomit. He puts his fingers on the skin beneath it, and Sanghyuk avoids his eyes. ”Does it hurt?”

Sanghyuk nods. ”It's getting better. The same can't be said for my jacket, though.” He gestures towards his chest, where a big part of said jacket has been ripped and torn. Under the circumstances, though, Hongbin doesn't find it very important.

”You should really have cleaned the wound before you came out here.” Sanghyuk walks around him and sits down on the edge, just where Hongbin had been sitting a few moments earlier. ”But what made you think he has drugs in there, of all things?” Hongbin asks, joining the younger by his side.

Sanghyuk shoots him a dirty look. ”I'm not stupid. I've heard the way he and Taekwoon hyung talk to each other for more than a month now.”

”What? How do they talk?” Hongbin asks, and Sanghyuk lies down with his hands over his face.

”It's alway ecstasy this, heroin that.” Hongbin gapes at him, feeling with his hands behind him on the rock to support himself. ”You didn't know?” Sanghyuk asks at his shocked expression. ”I thought you'd be in on that, too.”

”No,” Hongbin breathes. ”No, of course not.”

”He's messing everything up for himself,” Sanghyuk says then, eyes drawn towards the clouds that pass them by. ”He's changing so much. He didn't even apologize after he saw that I was bleeding.”

”What did he say?”

Sanghyuk scoffs. ”He just asked why I had to go snooping around in his room.”

”Jesus fucking christ,” Hongbin mumbles, staring out at the sunset that doesn't look as beautiful and enticing anymore. ”Were your parents home?”

”No.” Sanghyuk raises his eyebrows. ”He had Taekwoon with him, though.”

Hongbin lies down next to his pretend-brother, feeling like he's deflating by the second. Of fucking course Taekwoon was there. ”I'm not surprised.”

”It's Taekwoon hyung, isn't it?” Sanghyuk asks, and Hongbin wishes he could stay here forever, just staring at the clouds. ”He's the one who's making Jaehwan hyung do all of this?”

Hongbin doesn't know what to reply to that. ”What do you think?”

Sanghyuk stays silent for another few moments as he considers it. ”Yeah,” he says then. ”I think hyung would never have done any of this if it wasn't for him.”

”You're probably right,” Hongbin sighs.

”So what do we do?”

Hongbin shakes his head. ”I have no idea. Not a single clue.”

They lie there together, side by side, neither of them knowing what to say. Hongbin knows that he's the hyung here, he's the one who's supposed to take initiative and know how to save the day, but he doesn't.

”I'll talk to him,” he mumbles eventually. He can't let Jaehwan do this to himself, ruin his own life without even realizing he's doing it. But he feels so unprepared; he doesn't know anything about drugs or addiction or anything of the sort, and he has no idea how Jaehwan will respond.

He notices Sanghyuk is staring at him gratefully, so he throws a glance at him, prepared to try to smile back, when his heart sinks in his chest.

”You didn't get that cut from crashing into the chest, did you?”

Sanghyuk's smile dies immediately. He shifts his gaze uncertainly between Hongbin's eyes a few times, and then he shakes his head.

”Did he actually hit you?”

Sanghyuk nods. Hongbin feels like the world falls away, and the only thing that exists is the image of Jaehwan dictating a colorless world, printed behind his eyelids.

Sanghyuk drags himself to Sungjae's house a while later, once they've come up with a reasonable lie to tell him about the cut on Sanghyuk's cheek. Hongbin stays where he's at, agonizing about how to talk to Jaehwan, how to even bring it up to begin with, but he doesn't have to think about it for a very long time. About an hour after Sanghyuk's departure, Hongbin's phone rings, and for a moment Hongbin considers not answering it at all when the caller ID tells him that it's Jaehwan. He decides to take his responsibility, though, and picks up.

”Hello?”

” _Hey, it's Jaehwan. Do you have time? I need to get out of here_.” 

”Uh,” Hongbin hesitates, ”sure. What's wrong?”

The older sounds upset; he's almost panting down the phone. ” _It's just, my parents are on my back about tons of shit right now_ .”

”Okay,” Hongbin says. ”I'm nearby, so I'll come up to meet you, okay?”

” _Yeah. Okay_.” 

Jaehwans hangs up with that, and Hongbin gets up, slings his camera around his neck and starts walking towards Jaehwan's place, like so many times before, but never has he been so nervous.

 

When he walks up the stairs to the Lee family apartment, he hears yelling long before he reaches their door. Most obvious is the sound of Jaehwan's mother yelling at the top of her lungs, much more threatening is the sound of Jaehwan yelling back.

” _I won't stand for my eldest son ruining his own life, I won't stand for it! Do you hear me?”_

” _You have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about.”_

” _Don't you take that tone with me. You come and go every hour of the day, and most of the time when I see you I can't even tell if you're truly awake or just sleep-walking!”_

” _Oh, god, leave me the fuck alone! Do I look high to you right now?”_

Hongbin swallows and rings the doorbell.

” _Is that Jung Taekwoon again? You've only just come home and you're already leaving with that hooligan again? I swear, whenever you two are out and about I'm constantly expecting to get a call from the police.”_

” _Then isn't it a relief that I'm out and not in the apartment with the rest of you freaks?”_

” _How dare you? You're not going out with that boy, I won't let you.”_

” _No, mom, I'm going out with Hongbin, okay? I'm going out with Hongbin!”_

” _Have you told him about what you did last night? You haven't, have you? Because you're ashamed of yourself.”_

” _Give me a fucking break.”_

The door opens and Hongbin feels pitiful in front of their angry faces. Jaehwan storms right past him and hurries down the stairs instantly, and Hongbin hesitates, glancing at Mrs. Lee.

”We're going to have a conversation when you come back, do you hear me?” she yells, and Jaehwan doesn't reply. Hongbin gives her an apologetic look, which she reponds to with a half-hearted smile, and then Hongbin runs after Jaehwan down the stairs. The older has already made it outside the door, but he's waiting in the parking lot for Hongbin when the latter pushes it open and hurries after him.

”Stuff me and serve me for dinner,” Jaehwan groans when Hongbin walks up to him.

Hongbin tries to smile, but he feels shaken up, almost scared. ”That sounded dramatic.”

”She's the one who's dramatic.”

Hongbin purses his lips, and decides to give Jaehwan a chance to explain himself. ”What was that all about?”

Jaehwan rolls his eyes. ”She just keeps nagging me about the whole college thing, is all.” He starts walking towards the playground, and Hongin feels hopeless.

”Hyung, you never lied to me before, so don't start now.” Jaehwan stops, turns around and looks at him with a frown. ”So she found out about the drugs, huh?”

Jaehwan turns his face towards the sky, exhaling heavily. ”Not you too,” he whines. ”I'm not doing drugs, okay? I'm not!”

Hongbin walks up to him, but the older won't meet his eyes. ”I won't tell you to stop, nag you or yell at you. I'm not your mother. So please, hyung, just tell me the truth.”

Jaehwan sighs, and his eyes bore into Hongbin's. ”I'm  _not doing drugs_ . Do I look like a drug addict to you?” And he turns around to leave again, but Hongbin grabs his wrist, holding him in place. When Jaehwan looks back at him, he shakes his head, quietly pleading with his best friend to cut the crap and admit what he already knows.

”Everyone knows,” Hongbin says softly. ”So just... Don't lie any more. Please, hyung.”

Jaehwan's eyes find the ground, and finally, his defenses fall. Just barely, but enough for the truth to be out in the open. ”I just mean that I'm not... I'm not addicted. I'm not an addict.” His gaze flickers over Hongbin's face, and he looks frightened, like he wants to run away. ”I have it under control – we both have it under control, Taekwoon hyung and I. We're not addicts.”

Hongbin lets go of his wrist. ”Then what are you?”

”I'm– you know how some people only smoke cigarettes at parties?” Hongbin nods. ”I'm like that. I only... get high at parties. It's not a big deal, really, I know it sounds bad, but I promise you I have it under control.”

He may or may not be panicking, Hongbin realizes, and he wishes he would calm down, because seeing him like this is breaking Hongbin's resolve. ”And Taekwoon hyung? What is he?”

Jaehwan opens his mouth, stops himself and falls silent. He looks away, and Hongbin nods. As he thought.

”He's the one who got you into this mess, isn't he?”

”I have free will,” Jaehwan replies, suddenly seeming a little offended. ”He didn't force me to do anything, if that's what you're saying.”

Hongbin thinks that there are more ways to force someone than to physically place a pill in their mouth and cover their nose until they swallow, but he leaves it unsaid. In a wordless understanding, they walk over the lawn towards the playground. ”So you were at a party last night?” Hongbin asks as they draw closer.

”Not really,” Jaehwan says, before realizing his mistake. ”I mean... me and Taekwoon hyung arranged one.”

”Really? Who else was there?”

A heavy pause. ”Just... Just hyung and me.”

Hongbin feels himself quivering. ”So how exactly do you define a  _party_ , hyung?” 

”Look, getting technical won't solve anything,” Jaehwan says, waving his hands about. ”That's not what's important here.”

”Then what is important?”

”The fact that I'm not addicted. That I only do it when I choose to.”

”But why?”

”Why what?”

”Why do you do it? If you're not addicted.”

Jaehwan shrugs. ”Entertainment.”

”Entertainment?” Hongbin repeats in disbelief. Jaehwan nods at him. ”Come on, hyung, there's gotta be more to it than that, when you know how dangerous it is.”

”It's not dangerous if you know what you're doing,” Jaehwan argues. Hongbin feels out of his depth. They step into the sandbox surrounding the swing sets, each of them sinking down on a swing and letting them rock them slowly, slowly, back and forth.

Hongbin takes a deep breath. ”If there's something you're unhappy with, drugs won't solve it.” But why would Jaehwan ever listen to him, who obviously has no idea what he's talking about? He's just like everyone else surrounding Jaehwan right now, talking and yelling about stuff they can't understand, stuff that Jaehwan can only share with Taekwoon. He isn't special. So how can he convince him to stop? Is that even what he should be doing?

”I'm not unhappy,” Jaehwan says, trying his hardest to make it seem sincere, complete with a light-hearted giggle, but Hongbin doesn't buy it. ”At least I wasn't until everyone started bugging me about this crap.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, much to Hongbin's surprise. 

”You smoke now, too? Since when?”

Jaehwan places the cigarette between his lips and searches his other pocket for a lighter. ”I don't know, two weeks, maybe?” He finds the lighter, brings it to his face and clicks it until a small flame rises. Once the cigarette is lit, he inhales deeply. ”Do you want a taste?” he asks then, and smoke wells out of his mouth as he does so.

”No,” Hongbin says, feeling more and more upset with the direction their conversation is heading. Jaehwan shrugs and takes another puff, his gaze somewhere far away in the distance, and once again Hongbin wonders what he's supposed to do. He watches the smoke out of the corner of his eye, discontentment rising with it, and he feels so terribly uncool and geeky, a goody twoshoes who won't even try a cigarette; Jaehwan must really be wondering what he's doing with such a nerd.

”You know what? Fuck it, let me try,” he says, extending a hand for Jaehwan to place the cigarette in. The older raises an eyebrow at him, and Hongbin thinks he's having second thoughts about letting him try it, but then he hands it over, curious smile playing on his lips. Hongbin takes the cigarette between his fingers, doesn't give himself time to reconsider but brings it to his lips and gives a tentative suck. Something hot and uncomfortable infects his lungs at once, and he coughs, splutters and coughs some more until he thinks his airways are going to tear from it all.

”Jesus fucking christ!” he chokes and holds out the cigarette in the general direction of Jaehwan, his eyes tearing. The older laughs whole-heartedly, but not maliciously, and for a moment Hongbin forgets why they're here. ”Why would anyone ever want to do this to themselves?”

Jaehwan laughs louder. ”It gets better if you stick with it.”

”I think I'll leave that part to the rest of you.”

Jaehwan shrugs as he goes back to smoking. Hongbin tries to shake himself back into shape and do what he's supposed to, but he's dizzy now, dizzy and a little nauseous, and it's making it hard for him to concentrate. But then he remembers the broken look on Sanghyuk's face earlier, and he clenches his jaw.

”I'll say it honestly,” he begins, and Jaehwan turns to him, worry clear in his eyes. ”Ever since you and Taekwoon hyung started doing your thing, I feel like I don't really know how to talk to you.”

Jaehwan chews on his lip before he speaks. ”Yeah, I know.”

”I don't know how to be your friend when you have him, and... I worry about you.”

Jaehwan smiles affectionately at him. ”You don't have to worry, Kong-ah. You're still my best friend, not Taekwoon hyung.”

”Okay, well, that's not the main cause of my worries,” Hongbin says, awkward, tilted smile on his face.

”Look, Hongbin, you have to trust me,” Jaehwan says then, throwing what's left of his cigarette into the sand. Hongbin resists the need to pick it up and throw it in a trashcan. ”I know what I'm doing. And you do trust me, right?”

Jaehwan's eyes are searching as they observe him, and Hongbin has to look away, because in truth, he doesn't trust the other very much right now. Not anymore. ”No matter if I trust you or not, I don't trust pills and powder,” he says, shrugging. ”I've heard enough horror stories to know where it all might... end up.”

”I promise you,” Jaehwan starts, and Hongbin already feels bad about where it's going. ”The moment I start to feel scared, like it's becoming too much or like I can't control it, I'll stop. Okay?”

His eyes are soft, in the kind way that makes Jaehwan who he really is. Hongbin wonders then why he thought he had changed so much; he's right here, the way he has always been, and he's not unreasonable. Well, not exaggeratedly so, anyway. He reminds himself that he can't forget that this guy punched his own little brother in the face only a couple of hours ago.

”I'm sorry, but that's not enough for me,” Hongbin says, kicking into the sand below his feet. ”I worry about you so much, I feel like I'm going to be sick.” Jaehwan kicks himself towards Hongbin on his swing, and when he's close enough, he reaches out a hand to put on his wrist. Hongbin stares at the the place where their skin meets, and he's scared. ”Is 'for entertainment' really a good enough reason to keep doing this, even when it's so dangerous?”

The older looks like he's about to give him the 'it's not dangerous' argument again, but it seems to die down on his tongue. ”I  _could_ quit, it's not a question of that. It's just that I don't really want to,” he says with a laugh. Hongbin stares at him, at the way he looks so at ease with what he's saying, when in Hongbin's mind that sounds  _exactly_ like being addicted. Not wanting to quit. Realization dawns on Jaehwan's face. ”You're going to ask me to quit, aren't you?” 

Hongbin puts on his best pleading face. ”Please?”

”You said you wouldn't ask me to quit.” When Jaehwan releases his wrist, he's disappointed. But of course, he knew it wouldn't be that easy. Jaehwan's swing rocks him from side to side, and it almost hits Hongbin's in the process. It's starting to get late, Hongbin notices as he glances at his watch. The sun will disappear behind the treetops soon. But, ”I'll think about it, okay?” says Jaehwan, and the world still feels warm.

”Really?” Hongbin says, allowing all the hope he has to seep into his voice.

”Yeah. You know, this has changed things for me too, and I'm not sure how I feel about everything yet.” Hongbin holds his breath a little, and he doesn't know why he's surprised. He's known Jaehwan through all his life, after all. ”Just one more thing...”

Hongbin's heart beats a little faster, as it always does at Jaehwan's 'we need to talk's and 'I need to tell you something's. ”Yeah?”

The older pulls a hand through his light brown hair with an awkward, apologetic expression on his face. ”I hope you're not jealous of Taekwoon hyung.”

Hongbin laughs. ”Of course I am. You spend every waken moment with the guy.”

He's not embarrassed to admit that he's jealous, and he's not embarrassed when Jaehwan laughs. ”Right.” He scratches at his neck, embarrassed for the both of them, and Hongbin can't help but smile. ”Well... For one thing, you're much kinder than he is,” Jaehwan offers. ”Hyung treats me well, but it's not like I'm blind to the fact that he's kind of an asshole to others. I could never... see him as my best friend.”

Struck by the feeling that there's a whole other conversation going on between them than he has thought until now, Hongbin meets Jaehwan's unwavering eyes.

”You have a place with me that no one else can take. Do you understand?”

Hongbin nods. ”I know what you mean.”

Jaehwan smiles at that, and Hongbin's heart races. He just hopes that Taekwoon doesn't have an even bigger place with Jaehwan, that Hongbin can't fill.

 


	5. Chapter 5

 When Hongbin sees Jaehwan next, it is for Sanghyuk's fifteenth birthday. It's been a few days since their conversation by the swings, and they've kept in touch lightly – Hongbin has decided that he needs to ease back into being Jaehwan's best friend, and it seems to be working well.

He hasn't heard a word from or about Taekwoon in days.

 

”Happy birthday, Hyuk-ah,” Hongbin says, placing his gift on the kitchen table and pulling the younger in for a headlock. Sanghyuk laughs, but struggles in his grip, and Mrs. Lee watches them from her chair, affectionate glint bright in her eyes.

”Hyung, ew, no, get off.” He breaks free, gives Hongbin a light punch on his arm before sitting down next to his mother. The cut under his eye is healing slowly but surely, but the sight of it still threatens to start earthquakes in Hongbin's heart. ”The first rule of my new life as fifteen: no more babying me,” Sanghyuk says, but the way his gaze is drawn to the colorful wrapping paper as Hongbin laughs still seems so very baby-like. Hongbin sits down opposite him.

”Your new life, huh?” he repeats, grinning because he remembers the feeling all too well.

”Yes. I am now officially an adult.” He gestures fancily with his hands, and his mother instantly wraps an arm around his shoulders.

”You'll always be my little baby,” she coos, and plants a firm, wet kiss on his cheek.

Sanghyuk pulls away and avoids Hongbin's amused eyes. ”Mom,” he fumes, snatching the gift from Hongbin off the table. He busies himself with opening it impatiently while his ears turn red, and Hongbin feels his heart about to burst with affection, for Sanghyuk, for Jaehwan, for this whole family. He loves them in a way he has never experienced anywhere else, not even with his own family.

”Hyung,” Sanghyuk gasps when two new, expensive computer games fall out of the torn packaging.

Hongbin leans over to get a better look at them. ”Are they alright?” he asks, smiling softly, but he knows, he knows very well how right they are and much Sanghyuk has wanted them.

”Yes, they're perfect.”

”I hope they're as good as they seem,” Hongbin says, but Sanghyuk has disappeared from this reality, too immersed in reading off the back of the cases. Mrs. Lee sends Hongbin a wink from the other side of the table. Hongbin feels lucky.

”So when are you going to admit to the world that you're really just a six year old stuck in time?”

The three of them turn their heads towards the doorway and Jaehwan is standing there with an envelop in his hand and a mischievous grin on his face. His dishevelled hair tells them that he only just woke up, and Hongbin's heart beats faster with a sudden wish to walk up to him and kiss him good morning.

”Hyung.” Hongbin notices that Sanghyuk's smile is a little turns a little more insecure, and he wonders if the two have talked at all about what happened the other day. Jaehwan doesn't seem to notice, though, because he just walks into the room, hands his little brother the envelope and says: ”Happy birthday, you muscular kindergartener.”

Sanghyuk snorts, but opens the envelope carefully. Hongbin leans over the table to read on the back of the silvery note that Sanghyuk pulls out.

”What is it?” Mrs. Lee asks.

”It's a $70 giftcard at the clothing centre,” Sanghyuk says, glancing up at his hyung.

Jaehwan nods. ”I thought you could get yourself a new jacket, since your other one got... ruined. You've been whining about that green one for ages.” He shrugs. ”And if it's not fun enough, you can just take the money and do something else with them.”

Sanghyuk smiles up at him. ”Thanks, hyung.”

Jaehwan smiles back as if nothing has ever gone wrong between them. ”C'mere, you,” he says, pulling his brother in for a hug, resulting in Sanghyuk's face getting pressed into his stomach. The younger's hand comes up to pat his back uncommittedly, and Hongbin watches them lovingly until he sees himself reflected in Mrs. Lee's eyes, and he bites the insides of cheeks to keep from smiling too widely.

”Hyung. Air.”

Jaehwan pulls back. ”Why do you need air when you have your hyung's love?” He walks around the table to sit down next to Hongbin, and a hand comes to rest at Hongbin's shoulder as he passes him. Hongbin's heart skips a timid beat, leaning into the touch, no matter how small and trivial it is.

”Do you love me enough to give me your lungs then, hyung?”

Jaehwan shakes his head dramatically, faking a hurt expression. ”You don't need my lungs, you already have my heart.”

Hongbin and Sanghyuk's brows fur. ”Ew,” they say in unison. Jaehwan gasps.

 

A while later, when they've each had a piece of cake for lunch (or in Jaehwan's case, breakfast) and Sanghyuk is busy drooling over his brand new pair of headphones, Jaehwan walks Hongbin out to the hallway.

”Hyuk's bringing Jackson and everyone over later so he probably won't want us around, but do you want to hang out?” the older asks as Hongbin puts on his shoes. He exhales through his teeth and throws a look at his watch.

”I can't. My dad's making me go to this family party.” And it's true; their family is throwing a party for Hongbin's twin aunts tonight. Despite how he has tried to get out of it, his father has managed to convince him that family is important. As if Hongbin didn't already know that. It just seems to him, noawadays (or maybe since always) that Hongbin's own family is now his second priority, and his second Lee family is his first. It's almost like this apartment is more like a home to him than his own, even though his room at home is covered in photographs he has taken, and Jaehwan's taste in decorations is terribly different from his own.

Disappointment flashes through Jaehwan's eyes for a moment before he manages to cover it up. ”Oh, so _that's_ why you're over here so early? I knew you couldn't be up at this hour unless you absolutely have to.” Jaehwan laughs as Hongbin punches his arm.

”Shut up,” he says, shaking his head, not even admitting to himself that the other is right.

Jaehwan holds up his hands in a peace offering. ”Seriously though, do you have a second before you go? I kind of need to tell you something.”

Hongbin tenses. ”Sure,” he says, even though he doesn't, not really.

Swallowing visibly, Jaehwan points towards the door. ”Let's talk out here.”

They walk through the door together once Hongbin has left his goodbyes to the birthday boy, and they shut the door shakily with combined powers once they're in the stairwell. ”What's up?” Hongbin asks immediately, heart already beating harder against his chest.

”Uhm...” Jaehwan scratches at the back of his head. His eyes are fixed somewhere below Hongbin's knees. ”I've thought about what we talked about, you know, that day.” He looks up, making sure Hongbin is with him, and the younger nods. ”I've decided to quit.”

Hongbin's body falls back into place. ”Really?”

”Really.”

”Hyung...” He places a hand on Jaehwan's lower arm and holds on as tightly as he dares. He doesn't know what to say; 'thank you'? 'Good'? 'About fucking time'? Nothing can express the relief in his heart or the joy that spreads in his stomach, not even close. ”What made you decide?”

”I just...” Jaehwan looks away, and he seems embarrassed. Hongbin wants to shake him, because no no no, he doesn't want him to feel ashamed when he's just made the best decision of his life. ”I kind of... saw Taekwoon the other day. Uhm... He was high. I wasn't.”

”Oh?” Hongbin mumbles, feeling scared all of a sudden. ”What happened? I thought you said he treats you well.”

”Oh, he does,” Jaehwan agrees. ”He didn't do anything to me. It's just... it was kind of repulsive to see him act the way he did when I was sober.”

”What did he do?”

Jaehwan avoids his eyes. ”I don't think I should tell you. It's not important. The important thing is that I know that I act like that, too, when I'm high. I don't want anyone to see me like that, not you, not Hyuk, not my parents or friends...”

Hongbin has to pause for a second and think about why he wasn't grouped up with Jaehwan's other ”friends”, and in the silence that follows, Jaehwan glances at him uncertainly. ”Plus... I don't want to say too much, but the after-effects of some of that shit is really nasty. So when school starts up again I'll ruin everything if I continue like this, and then my dad will kill me for destroying my chances of getting into a good college. I don't want to die.” He finishes his ramble with a laugh, and Hongbin smiles at him softly.

”You're not worried that it's going to be difficult?”

Jaehwan snorts in frustration. ”No, since, again, I'm not addicted. I can quit whenever I want. I just... I think I shouldn't be around Taekwoon as much as I have been. He can be very... persuasive. But it won't be a problem. I'm done with the whole thing.”

”Thank God,” he says, sinking down on the stairs that lead to the next floor, his wobbly legs giving way beneath him.

Jaehwan hums. ”Were you really _that_ worried?”

Skipping the bullshit, Hongbin nods. ”Terrified.”

”I can't understand.” Laughing a little, Jaehwan shakes his head.

He knows he's being obvious, but he doesn't care – it seems like he cares less and less nowadays. He plays with his hands, unable to face Jaehwan's gaze. ”I just don't know what I would do if something happened to you.” He doesn't look up to see Jaehwan's reaction, he doesn't need to; all he wants is for Jaehwan to know how much he cares about him. Which he does, of course, he knows it all too well and he has for several years, and for a second Hongbin is confused, because he can't act on his protective needs more than a friend would, more than relaying them through words, so where does he go from here? How does he give his feelings the space they need?

”Hongbin...” Jaehwan says quietly, and Hongbin forces himself to look up.

”Yeah?”

Jaehwan fidgets where he stands. ”Let me know when you have time to hang out, okay?” He looks serious, a little nervous and too calm for the Jaehwan that Hongbin is used to. ”There's a lot of stuff that I want to tell you and things we should talk about.”

Hongbin stares at him through wide eyes. ”Should I be worried?”

Shaking his head, Jaehwan gives him a stiff smile. ”Never. They're all good things.” He laughs, and it echoes through the stairwell. ”I'm pretty sure you know already, anyway.”

Hongbin swallows dryly. ”Then why not just tell me now? I have some time.” He winces at he looks at his watch. ”I mean, I can run home afterwards.”

But Jaehwan shakes his head, locking eyes with the other. ”I just want it to come out right.”

Hongbin is not one to flatter himself, but something is tickling the insides of his stomach, and he feels like he break into song or stop breathing any second now. ”Okay,” he says, breaking their eye contact before he starts smiling too widely. Truthfully, he doesn't know 100% what Jaehwan wants to tell him, but he thinks he has a pretty good idea.

”Alright, I'll let you go now,” Jaehwan says then, and Hongbin gets up. He doesn't want to leave, he wants to stay and have this long awaited talk with his a-little-more-than best friend, but just like Jaehwan, he doesn't want to die by his father's hands.

He dares to be bold and takes one of Jaehwan's hands in his. He doesn't know if Jaehwan is worried about Hongbin's reaction to his confession, but if he does, Hongbin wants him to stop. So he holds a little tighter than he would normally, and he doesn't bother disguising the affection on his face. ”Text me tonight? Help me look busy enough with my phone that my relatives won't start a conversation with me?”

Jaehwan's face goes from to surprise to joyful embarrassment. ”Of course.”

They separate, and Hongbin doesn't say goodbye before he sets off down the stairs. Trying to calm his racing heartbeat, he breathes deeply, going through the conversation again in his mind. Is it possible that their tiny falling out has given Jaehwan the final push to admit to his feelings? Is that really what is happening? So this whole thing did bring something positive after all?

And is Jaehwan really going to confess soon? Hongbin has to stop and squeeze his eyes shut to be able to bear with the excitement that bursts through him at he thought, because if he knows Jaehwan right it's going to be unbearably cheesy, but at the same time of course very romantic, and Hongbin isn't sure if his heart can handle that.

 _Fuck_ , he realizes as he stumbles over his feet on his run home; he is so deeply in love with this boy that he has lost sight of everything reasonable.

He slows down only to type up a message to Sanghyuk.

 

12:43

hongbin

i have another birthday present for you. hyung told me he's quitting.

 

12:44

sanghyuk

thank fuck!!!

 

12:45

hongbin

language, boy.

 

12:47

sanghyuk

shut up you're not my real dad

 

 

 

 

 

20:27

jaehwan

i think i should clarify some stuff about taekwoon. ^^'

 

20:28

hongbin

ugh, you finally text me and it's about him? when you know how jealous i am of the guy?

 

20:30

jaehwan

^^ sorry about that. how's the party?

 

20:30

hongbin

oh, fantastic. college this, college that. i'm kinda starting to feel like you.

 

20:31

jaehwan

for your sake, i hope not~

 

20:32

hongbin

anyway, what were you saying about taekwoon?

 

20:35

jaehwan

right ^^' uhm... you asked me if he was the one brought me into this whole mess and i replied that i have free will, right? well, i think that sometimes with taekwoon hyung... it's like i don't. have free will, i mean. :/

 

20:36

hongbin

what do you mean?

 

20:38

jaehwan

it's just, i'm starting to realize how manipulative he is. and a lot of the time i don't even realize that he's manipulated me into doing stuff i don't want to until a long time afterwards ^^'

 

20:40

hongbin

at least you know now, right? some people are like that, they know exactly which strings to pull.

 

20:41

jaehwan

yeah.. anwyay, that's all i wanted to say. no more taekwoon-talk, since you apparently don't like it ^^

 

20:42

hongbin

thank god.

 

20:42

jaehwan

^^ are you really that jealous?

 

20:43

hongbin

don't even ask, please.

 

20:44

jaehwan

why not? :3

 

20:44

hongbin

because it's embarrassing.

 

20:45

jaehwan

well, maybe i like it~

 

20:46

hongbin

what, embarrassing me?

 

20:47

jaehwan

knowing that you're jealous ^^

 

20:48

hongbin.

well. maybe i'll tell you more about it when we meet.

 

20:50

jaehwan

silly hongbin. don't be jealous. you have no reason to be.

 

20:51

hongbin

i have every reason to be.

 

20:52

jaehwan

tsk~ we'll see ^^  


	6. Chapter 6

 15:27

hongbin

hey, just wanted to let you know i'm back home now, so.. i can hang out whenever you have time.

 

Three days since Sanghyuk's birthday, since Hongbin's aunts threw their family party, since Hongbin and Jaehwan last texted each other. Neither of them has kept in touch since, and Hongbin has his reasons: He's too tense from knowing that their relationship might progress into something more, and soon, that he's not sure how to talk to the older until the air has been cleared.

Whatever reasons Jaehwan has, he doesn't know, but he suspects it might be something similar. So he waits for Jaehwan to reply, and he feels almost physically unable to do anything else while he waits, so he sits on his bed, freshly showered, in his favorite outfit, tapping his fingers on his knees in anticipation.

 

Two hours later, he has put on some music and he's lying down, staring at the ceiling, going through scenarios in his head and trying not to get too ahead of himself. Jaehwan hasn't replied. He chooses not to be worried. Hell, Jaehwan isn't his boyfriend yet, so Hongin shouldn't be too overbearing just yet.

And when his phone does vibrate, it is, to Hongbin's guilty disappointment, not a message from Jaehwan, but one from Sanghyuk. Again.

 

17:32

sanghyuk

hi

are you busy?

 

 

Hongbin sighs a little. He wishes he was.

 

 

17:33

hongbin

not really, why?

 

17:35

sanghyuk

i was wondering if you wanted to come over and try the games you got me or something

they're great but they're more fun in co-op mode

 

17:37

hongbin

co-op my ass, you just want to murder and humiliate me.

 

17:38

sanghyuk

please hyung

 

 

Hongbin gets up from his bed and gets ready to leave, as if he hasn't been, all day. At least getting out of the apartment might distract him a little, stop his racing thoughts and take his paranoia away for the time being. Also, of course there's the possibility that Jaehwan will be there – but the thought fills him with a strange feeling of guilt, because what if Jaehwan simply isn't ready to talk to Hongbin about all of this yet, and that's why he hasn't replied? What if he's busy? What if Hongin walking into the apartment will turn everything on its head and Jaehwan won't like it?

Well, Hongbin figures. If it was that important to the other boy, he should tell him so, not just disappear into the silence.

 

 

17:40

hongbin

is jaehwan hyung around?

 

17:42

sanghyuk

no

are you coming or not?

 

17:43

hongbin

i'll be there soon.

 

 

 

 

 

So, Jaehwan isn't home.

That doesn't mean anything, Hongbin tells himself, over and over and over again as Sanghyuk murders his character in cold blood. It's not like Jaehwan doesn't have other friends; just because he's out it doesn't necessarily mean that he's out with _Taekwoon_ of all people, so really, there's no need for Hongbin's heart to beat so erratically and anxiously.

But there's something about Sanghyuk, too. Even though his cheek has healed up nicely by now, there's something in his eyes, the way he acts, in the way he doesn't speak as much as usual, how he seems to simply want someone to be there silently beside him, that makes Hongbin think that he's serving as the younger's stress relief. It wouldn't be the first time it has happened; he's sat through many uncertain hours with him following family fights and incidents at school. Sanghyuk isn't the type to talk about what's bothering him, and Hongbin isn't good with it either. So they talk about trivial things, praise the amazing graphics of the new games, and they steer clear of what's bothering them. Just as they always have.

 

 

When they sit down to have dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Lee, it's late, almost seven in the evening. The parents are silent and their smiles, that are supposed to be encouraging, are nothing but hollow and dejected. The look in their eyes say that they were hoping Jaehwan would come home in time for dinner, even as time passed half to six, six and half to seven, postponing it over and over, clinging to the hope that maybe he isn't picking up their calls because he's in such a hurry to get home to them. Hongbin wonders long how it will be until someone addresses the problem.

”So, hyung,” Sanghyuk says after an X amount of silent minutes. ”Do you want to stay and finish the game?”

They're having fish and mashed potatoes. There's an empty plate and a clean glass waiting for Jaehwan on the kitchen counter. ”I don't know, it's getting kind of late,” Hongbin says, as always raising his hand to check the time. ”I have some stuff to take care of at home. I could do it this weekend, though.”

He looks at the younger hopefully, but Sanghyuk gives him a nonchalant look as he stuffs more fried cod into his mouth. ”Can't. Me, Jackson and Sungjae are going out camping.”

” _Camping_?” Hongbin repeats back – it just seems a little bit too unlikely.

”That's right. Jackson's mom started bothering him about how much he stays in nowadays. I think he mostly wants to go so that something really bad will happen, and she will ground him instead.”

”You'll do fine,” Mrs. Lee says when Hongbin laughs. ”Oh, that reminds me, you have to go and buy yourself a new jacket before then.”

”Can't,” Sanghyuk grumbles again. ”I'm broke.”

”Didn't Jaehwan give you that gift card for your birthday?”

Sanghyuk's eyes lock with his plate, and he nods evasively. Hongbin, just like Sanghyuk's parents, can tell something is wrong. His stomach churns.

”Did you take the money and spend it something else?” Mrs. Lee's tone edges towards reprimanding, and for a few seconds, Hongbin hopes that that's all it is, that Sanghyuk is simply ashamed for that reason, but then he shakes his head.

”Then what? Just use the gift card.”

The youngest glances at Hongbin, then back down to the table, fidgeting where he sits. ”Whatever.”

”No, tell me, why can't you use the gift card?”

”Forget it,” Sanghyuk hisses.

Mrs. Lee turns around in her chair, eyes boring into her sun. ”You tell me right now, Sanghyuk. Why?”

Sanghyuk rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. ”Because Jaehwan hyung took the money to buy drugs, okay?!” His mother's eyes widen, and he picks up his plate, hurries away from them and throws it down into the sink with a loud clang, probably shattering it into pieces, Hongbin thinks.

They all still, and Hongbin puts his utensils down, feeling a hole opening up in his chest. Mrs. Lee's hands are quivering as she holds them up to cover her mouth, and when the door to Sanghyuk's room slams shut, it doesn't take long until Mr. Lee gets up with a heavy sigh, leaving them both to the silence. He doesn't say much. Never does. Hongbin doesn't know why he expected it to be any different in a situation like this.

Mrs. Lee starts crying, and Hongbin looks away. There are tears pressing against the back of his throat, but he doesn't want to cry and acknowledge the problem. He wants to comfort Mrs. Lee, whose crying face is breaking every square inch of his heart, and tell her that everything is going to be okay.

But most of all, he wants to scream, because things were going so right, Jaehwan said he was going to stop, and why would he say that if he was just going to go and do this?

”Tell me honestly,” Mrs. Lee says, sniffling and wiping her tears. ”Did you know about this?”

Hongbin stares at the table, ashamed. ”I knew... about the drugs. But I didn't know he had taken Sanghyuk's money, I swear.”

Mrs. Lee's groans of agony resonates through Hongbin's conscience. ”I don't know what to do,” she says, and Hongbin understands. ”I don't know how to talk to him about it, I mean – he's eighteen years old, I can't force him to do anything.” Pushing their leftover food away, Hongbin slides his hand over the table to hold Mrs. Lee's. He remembers the things he heard her yell at Jaehwan that day, right before the older came clean about his habits to him. He doesn't blame her for it. ”Oh, god, my little boy.”

She cries harder, and Hongbin holds her hand tighter. That's all he knows how to do. ”I tried to talk to him,” he says, earning him a sincerely emotional look from the woman opposite him. ”He said he was going to quit, but...”

”We can't make him do anything that he doesn't want to,” she finishes for him, and Hongbin nods reluctantly. That is the truth, he supposes. When Jaehwan said he was going to quit, it was for Hongbin's sake, not his own.

”I...” Hongbin tries, and something seems to be caught in his throat. ”I feel... very strongly about your son,” he admits, and Mrs. Lee looks back at him through round, tear-filled eyes. ”Believe me when I say I won't give up on him.”

Mrs. Lee squeezes his hand back. ”I know you do. Jaehwan has a lot of people that love him and that won't give up on him. We will work something out together.”

”Yeah,” Hongbin breathes, forcing himself to smile as the tears finally reach his eyes.

But oh, God, how distant the solution seems.

 

 

 

He knocks on Sanghyuk's door before he leaves.

”What?”

”It's me. Can I talk to you?”

”Yeah, sure, whatever.”

He pushes the door open and sees Sanghyuk immersed in one of the games they were playing earlier. He doesn't look up at Hongbin where he stands. ”How come you didn't tell me?” Hongbin asks bluntly.

”You said he was going to quit,” Sanghyuk says, eyes on the monitor.

Hongin nods. ”That's what he told me.” There's no reply. ”When did he take the money?”

Sanghyuk shrugs. ”A couple of days ago.”

Hongbin's chest burns, and he waits for the younger to say something else, anything, and the only sound to break the silence is the gunshots from Sanghyuk's game. ”I will try again, you know,” Hongbin says eventually, wanting a reaction out of the other so badly, and he doesn't even truly know why.

”Yeah?” Sanghyuk mutters. ”Good luck with that.”

”Hyuk-ah, are you okay?”

Sanghyuk slams his fist on the keyboard. ”No, I'm not fucking okay! My brother's a fucking drug addict, what do you think?!”

Hongbin withdraws with a nod. ”Text me if you want to talk about it, okay?”

Sanghyuk snorts. ”Sure. Yeah. Whatever.”

And with that, Hongbin leaves, leaves the apartment, the street and the area, and for once, he thinks his own apartment isn't far away enough from Jaehwan and he life he has loved so dearly up until now.

In the days that follow, nobody contacts Hongbin at all. He doesn't hear a single word from anybody. Not Jaehwan, Sanghyuk or their parents, none of Hongbin's other friends; it gets to the point where he starts wishing even Taekwoon would send him a message, give him a call, _anything._ His parents worry about him since it seems like he's isolating himself, and he considers for a moment if he should tell them about Jaehwan's newfound hobbies, but he decides against it. This is already more dramatic than what's healthy for him.

He goes out to take pictures every once in a while, even if he ends up just walking aimlessly some of the time without bringing anything of value with him home. The rest of the time he spends in his room, with music as his only company. He edits, spills his guts repeatedly in run-on Word documents, strums restlessly on his forgotten guitar, anything to pass the time, but nothing can ease the constant rapid beating of his heart, and the way his pulse rings in his ears with every second that passes.

Has he lost Jaehwan already?

The answer, Hongbin thinks, is probably. Maybe he's a coward for not trying to get in touch with Jaehwan again, but by now, he's too scared. Much too scared.

 

 

 

22:48

jaehwan

hey, i figured your parents would be sleeping so i prob shouldn't ring the doorbell but i'm outside. let me in pls~

 

 

Hongbin pales and gallops through the hallway to the front door. He struggles with the security chain for a few feverent moments before it slides off and Hongbin is allowed to push the door open.

”Hongbiiiiiin,” Jaehwan wheezes happily, attacking Hongbin in a tight hug. Hongbin laughs quietly in surprise; Jaehwan's body is warm. Very warm, in fact, sticky with sweat and smelling faintly of smoke. ”How are you?”

Hongbin hushes him. ”Not here, let's go to my room.”

They tiptoe back through the hall and into Hongbin's room, hand in hand, giggles on their tongues. And when Hongbin shuts the door behind them, Jaehwan takes a few moments to look around Hongbin's room. It's been a while since he was last here, Hongbin realizes; he's had time to redecorate a little bit.

Jaehwan stands under the angled roof, lined with two long strands of light and covered with pictures that Hongbin has taken. Most of them are of Jaehwan. He looks at them all carefully one by one, reaching out to touch some of them, and Hongbin feels selfconscious as he sits down on his bed, waiting for Jaehwan's tour of his room to be over.

”You've put up a lot of new photos.”

”Yeah, I haven't had much to do, really,” Hongbin laughs, watching him observantly.

”I like this one,” Jaehwan says, pointing towards the one of him standing on Hongbin's balcony – the unedited version.

”Yeah, that one's nice.” Hongbin is too worried that Jaehwan might be under the influence of something right now that he can't bear to consider it. ”You're so sweaty. What did you do, swim here?”

Jaehwan laughs, finally giving up on the pictures in Hongbin's ceiling. ”Nah, me and Taekwoon was at this thing. We were dancing.”

”Oh,” Hongbin says. Of course.

”I just felt like I had to get out of there, you know?” Jaehwan says, hurriedly walking over and bouncing down next to Hongbin. ”I felt the music pound through me until I didn't know if what I was feeling was the beat of the music or the beat of my heart, and I just started missing you. Just like that.”

Hongbin snorts. ”About time.”

”I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch,” Jaehwan huffs, and he looks genuinely apologetic. ”There's just been so much stuff happening recently.”

”So I heard,” Hongbin mutters. ”You've resurrected your friendship with Taekwoon hyung.”

Jaehwan frowns. ”We never fought.”

Hongbin rolls his eyes in response. ”So, at this thing you were just at... Did you get high? I mean, since you only get high at parties.”

Jaehwan flops back on the bed. ”It's just ecstasy. Ecstasy doesn't make you crazy. It just makes everything burn a little brighter.”

”Is that so.”

Jaehwan nods, smiling like a toddler. ”And it makes sex absolutely fantastic.”

Hongbin winces. ”Okay, I don't want to know how you know that.” And it's insane, he's completely off his rocker, but beneath everything else, Hongbin feels jealousy well up again.

”Oh, come on,” Jaehwan laughs. ”I think you'd like ecstasy. It makes you feel great and the comedown isn't that bad.”

”But you look like you're barely even here,” Hongbin mumbles, staring down at his best friend who has his arms stretched out in both directions where he lies.

”Oh, that. That's just the alcohol. I'm kind of drunk right now, too. So don't worry. You've seen me drunk before.” He smiles blissfully, and it's enough to make Hongbin want to vomit.

”Okay,” he says, standing up, ”I'm sorry but I don't think I can be with you like this.”

”What?” Jaehwan says, slowly easing himself into a sitting position.

”Hyung, have you forgotten _everything_?”

Jaehwan frowns at him. ”Forgotten what?”

Hongbin feels his heart pounding again; he feels like he's about to go crazy with rage. ”You said you were going to quit!”

”Ah,” Jaehwan says, nodding understandingly. ”Yeah, well, that didn't work out.”

”And why not?” Because he's already addicted.

Jaehwan shrugs. ”I don't have a reason to. I still have it perfectly under control.”

Hongbin thinks of Sanghyuk, and he quivers with fury. But he still doesn't want to throw the younger under the bus, especially when Jaehwan has obviously gone insane. ”But you said – You said it would fuck up your studies once school starts if you continue.”

”School won't start again for another month and a half, so chill,” Jaehwan says, starting to look a little annoyed.

”Then what about the stuff you said about Taekwoon hyung?” Hongbin spits. ”The stuff about how he manipulates you into doing things you don't want to, how it's like you don't have free will when he's around?”

Jaehwan shakes his head. ”That's not what I meant. You got that all wrong. Hyung is a good guy and we have a lot of fun together.”

Hongbin feels like he's about to fall apart. It's like the Jaehwan he has known and loved for so long is somewhere else, and this is an imposter here right now in his body. ”And you don't remember how you told me you didn't want me or anyone else to see you high?”

Jaehwan seems to consider it for a while. ”Yeah, but I've just done ecstasy tonight, Hongbinnie. I meant more like if I had done heroin or something, cause that shit can be really nasty...”

”I don't want to hear it!” Hongbin yells, catches himself, and lowers his voice. Jaehwan looks at him through big, surprised eyes. ”Hyung, I didn't ask you to quit for no reason. This is obviously starting to become a problem.” He feels like he's about to start crying, and Jaehwan is watching him anxiously.

”It's not a problem,” he says softly. ”Look, Hongbin, I'm just doing this to unwind, okay? Things are just really stressful right now, and this helps me take my mind off all of that.”

”What things?”

Jaehwan sighs. ”Well, you know, thinking about college, trying to deal with myself enough to come out of the closet...” He shrugs. ”Mainly those two things.”

Hongbin shakes his head. ”I'm sorry, but they just sound like excuses.”

Scoffing, Jaehwan stares at him. ”Shouldn't you of all people know how it feels to be closeted?”

Hongbin sighs. ”Why did you ignore me, hyung?”

”What?”

”Over these past few days since I came home,” Hongbin clarifies. ”You told me to tell you when I had time to hang out, so I did. Why didn't you reply?”

Jaehwan raises an eyebrow. ”I told you, I've been busy. I didn't realize there was such a hurry.”

”Busy doing ecstasy,” Hongbin hisses. ”Or was it heroin?”

Jaehwan simply tilts his head. ”Well, yeah. Busy trying to feel better about shit.”

Hongbin laughs. ”Oh, yeah. And what about Sanghyuk?”

”What about him?”

”Even if you don't think this whole thing is a problem, it's a problem for him.”

Jaehwan takes a deep breath, seemingly to collect himself. ”Okay, I did some stupid stuff to him, but that was in the beginning. I've sorted myself out now, okay? It's not a problem.”

”You stole money from him to buy drugs!” Hongbin half-yells, staring at Jaehwan with as much intensity as he dares. Jaehwan looks back at him blankly for a moment before looking away with a tired expression on his face.

”He promised he'd keep that to himself.”

”Hyung,” Hongbin breathes, terrified now, out of his mind. ”Don't you see how fucked up that is?”

”I'll pay him back.”

”You stole money from your fifteen year old brother and the only problem you have with this scenario is that someone found out,” Hongbin says, trying to plead some sense into the older boy.

”Okay, you know what,” Jaehwan says, standing up too, and Hongbin has to fight his instinct to take a step back. ”I'm done with this conversation. Go ahead and throw me out. Apparently it was a mistake coming here.”

”You think?” Hongbin says sarcastically, his eyes now filled with tears. Jaehwan moves towards the door, and Hongbin backs away, more scared than he can remember being for a long time. Jaehwan pauses in his movements then, his unfocused eyes on Hongbin's frightened face, and the tension in his body seems to dissipate.

”Hongbin?” he says in disbelief. ”Are you scared of me?”

”Hyung, please, just leave,” the younger chokes out, avoiding the other's gaze. When Jaehwan simply remains where he stands, Hongbin walks over to the door, opening it silently.

Jaehwan walks up to him a few moments later. He appears to be deep in thought, much more withdrawn than before. ”If you think I would ever do a thing to hurt you, you're crazy,” he says, but Hongbin can't bear to look back at him. ”I would never. Never.”

Then he walks out the door, and Hongbin remains where he's standing, listening to the sound of Jaehwan putting his shoes on, waits until he hears the sound of the front door closing and giving it another thirty seconds before he walks out into the hallway to look the door. The tears fall when he reaches up to put the security chain back on, and he lets himself cry, because Jaehwan has disappeared to give room for someone else, someone new, someone who Hongbin can't keep up with.

And the most terrible thing is that Hongbin doesn't know why, but he's still in love with him.


	7. Chapter 7

He doesn't get any sleep until the early hours of the morning have come and passed. The thoughts keep spinning around in his head, and he's relieved because at least now he knows, and he's sure he has lost his best friend. He knows it well enough that that isn't the issue anymore.

Whether or not Jaehwan wants to be his friend (or more), Hongbin wants to help him. _Needs_ to help him. The fact that Jaehwan is pissed off with him makes it easier for him, honestly, because now he has nothing to lose.

 

Perhaps it's an insane idea, but it's the only one Hongbin has right now: he wants to talk to Taekwoon, the person who influenced Jaehwan to do all this to begin with. It's unclear now whether it's Taekwoon or the drugs that has brainwashed Jaehwan, but in a strange way the two are starting to float into each other in Hongbin's thoughts. They are both responsible for the change in Jaehwan, and Hongin blames them both.

He looks up Taekwoon's phone number on the internet first thing when he wakes up, but then he remains sitting on his bed, staring at his laptop, because simply sending Taekwoon a message or giving him a call doesn't seem like enough. A message can easily be discarded, and a call can be cut off with a single press of your thumb. He wants answers, and he doesn't want Taekwoon to be able to ignore him. So, with a few more clicks, he finds Taekwoon's address, and doesn't give himself time to change his mind before he brushes his teeth and sets off to find the place, his camera slung around his shoulders as an excuse.

 

 

He puts the address into the GPS on his phone to find the place, and it tells him the walk will take about thirty-five minutes. It's another beautiful day; the sun is beaming, the sky is clear barred a few fluffy white clouds, and Hongbin takes a few absent-minded photos along the way. Most of them come out a little blurry, though, because as much as Hongbin wishes it wasn't true, he is scared of Taekwoon. He feels as if he's on his way to meet Jaehwan's personal demons, meet the drugs themselves, and to be honest, he has no idea what to say. What could he possibly offer Taekwoon that would stop him from ruining Jaehwan's life even further?

Most likely nothing. But he has to try.

 

The GPS leads him right up to Taekwoon's yard, and he stands outside on the street indecisively. He remembers how Taekwoon told him it was more like a cottage than a house, and he must admit that the small, white house in front of him doesn't appear to be in its best condition. Still, he doesn't dare to go into his yard and knock on his door just yet, so he remains where he's standing, thinking it over again, even considering going back home until he sees Taekwoon's face looking at him through one of the windows. Hongbin swallows, lifts his hand and waves at him to show that he's there to see Taekwoon, not just passing by.

Taekwoon walks through the door a few seconds later, and Hongbin stays where he is. ”Hi, hyung.”

”Hey, Hongbin,” Taekwoon replies, remaining outside his door. ”What's up?”

”Uhm...” Hongbin's mouth goes dry. ”I need to talk to you about something. Can I come in?”

”Actually, I was just on my way out, so let's talk out here,” Taekwoon says, slowly walking down the steps onto the path to the street. Just as well, Hongbin figures. He feels much safer out here anyway. ”So what's up?” The older asks as he reaches Hongbin. He looks tired, with dark circles beneath his eyes and his hair all tousled.

”I...” Hongbin tries, willing himself to be stronger. ”I have to ask you to leave Jaehwan hyung alone.” Taekwoon's eyebrows shoot up. ”I don't think he really wants to get involved with the stuff you guys do. He just does it for your sake and it's messing up parts of his life.” He tries to keep his gaze steady, even when Taekwoon looks far from impressed.

But then amusement breaks through Taekwoon's stale exterior, and he laughs heartily. ”Oh, Hongbin, if you had seen him last night, I don't think you'd say that. He had the time of his life.”

Hongbin steadies himself. ”Maybe he's fine when you guys are out partying, but it's taking a toll on his family, for example.”

Taekwoon shrugs, looking disinterested. ”If they can't accept him as he is, then they're not his real family.”

Hongbin wants to say something about how just because Taekwoon's family life is screwed up it doesn't mean that everyone else's is, but as he thinks the comment might earn him a punch to the stomach, he bites it back. ”Please, hyung,” he says instead. ”Jaehwan hyung has changed a lot since the two of you started... doing this. He isn't normally like this.”

”Aw, you're so cute, you can't even say it, can you?” Taekwoon coos, looking Hongbin up and down.

Hongbin swallows heavily. ”He can't say no when you manipulate him,” he says, fear rising with the anger in Taekwoon's eyes. ”He feels like he doesn't have a free will when it comes to you.”

”Alright, listen up,” Taekwoon says, apparently having heard enough. ”I've spent a lot more time around Jaehwan recently than you have, alright? And we've done things together that you wouldn't even dream of.” He leans closer, and his eyes are cold now, but Hongin doesn't turn away. ”I know very well what he wants and not. And what he doesn't want, is to hang around someone that claims to be his friend but keeps undressing him with his eyes every chance he gets.” Hongbin's eyes widen, and he feels his cheeks burn with something akin to embarrassment. Taekwoon smiles at him as he straightens his back again. ”Oh, yes. Jaehwan has told me all about how his faggot-ass so called 'best friend' keeps coming onto him, and how uncomfortable it's making him. So how about _you_ be the one to back the fuck off, hm?”

Hongbin opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out, and the combined sting of his heart and how it's pouding against his ribcage feels like it's about to kill him, because there's no way Taekwoon would have known about his feelings for Jaehwan unless Jaehwan really did tell him. Did he really tell him like that? Can it be true? Has Hongbin misread everything in Jaehwan's behavior with his wishful thinking?

”Fucking disgusting,” Taekwoon says, and Honbin finally turns his face away. ”Come on, Jaehwan, let's go!” Hongbin jumps at Taekwoon's loud voice, and he furrows his brow, confused.

Taekwoon's front door opens and Jaehwan steps through, closing it behind him and locking it with the key in his hand. Hongbin has time to wonder why Jaehwan has a key to Taekwoon's house before Jaehwan sets off down the steps and comes towards them, but then Taekwoon starts walking, and Hongbin remains by his postbox, eyes tearing and gaze flickering as he keeps it locked on Jaehwan.

The older stops right beside him, looking back at him with a darkened expression on his face. He lingers, and Hongbin holds his breath, wishes he could say something, anything, but nothing can express the ache in his chest, and nothing could tell the other man how much he is hurting. Jaehwan's eyes cast downwards then, and he steps around Hongbin, head hung low as he walks away, and Hongbin's vision turns dizzy as he watches him leave. Jaehwan hurries to catch up with Taekwoon, and Hongbin feels his entire body trembling with adrenaline and whatever it is that causes the physical ache of heartbreak. Love?

His hands are still shaking when he raises his camera to his face and snaps a picture of their retreating backs on the otherwise empty street. He looks at it on the screen, and what he sees is two men ready to take on the world together; a pale, achromatic world, from which they have stolen the sun to keep for themselves.


	8. Chapter 8

 Hongbin wishes it would be possible to disappear into music permanently; not just losing yourself in a specific song for a moment as it flows through you, but in the feeling, the harmony, the peace. He listens to the same CD over and over that day, lies on his bed and keeps his fingers crossed that his parents won't come in and see how depressed he is – not that they would. They aren't bad people, and it's not like they don't care for Hongbin, but they believe a little too strongly in everyone's right and need to take care of themselves.

He lies there for hours and he doesn't cry, though the tears fill his eyes as soon as his thoughts roam a little too far, and though he desperately craves release from the pain that pulsates through his body. When the night comes, he realizes he hasn't had dinner yet, but he doesn't get out of bed, and just waits for sleep to come and find him as that same old CD plays again, again, and again.

 

 

22:01

jaehwan

look out your window

 

 

The light from his cellphone hurts his eyes after hours of darkness, and for a moment Hongbin thinks he can't read the message properly. Then he launches himself out of bed, practically throwing himself to the foot of it and opening the blinds over his window. He can barely believe his eyes, but there's Jaehwan, standing on the lawn below, his hand over his forehead to shield his eyes from the streetlights.

The sight of him makes Hongbin furious in a second. Hasn't he done enough damage? Is it the drugs that make him so thick, or has he always been this way?

 

 

22:02

hongbin

there's no one there though.

 

 

It feels good to fire back, though he's not proud of the feeling. If Jaehwan thinks he's just going to let him waltz into his room to hurt him even more, then he's sorely mistaken. He has shown his true colors, and no matter how much Hongbin wishes he could bring back the person he thought Jaehwan was, there's no point in holding onto him.

”Hongbin, come on,” he hears Jaehwan's muffled voice call from outside.

Despite his better judgment, Hongbin opens the window. ”Oh, sorry. I've developed this condition recently where I can only see people who are sober.”

”I am sober,” Jaehwan replies, voice now coming out a little lower. ”Let me in so we can talk in private.”

”Why?” Hongbin deliberately raises his voice. ”You don't want my neighbors to know what a complete fucking asshole you are?”

”Look, don't say that until you've given me a chance to explain myself. You don't know half of the story yet, so please... Just let me in, okay?”

Hongbin scoffs. ”You might find it fun to toy with other people's emotions, but I'm done with being the toy.”

”Hongbin...” Jaehwan says, pleading now. He looks lonely down there on the dark lawn, bathed in light from the streetlights. ”I fucked up, but it's all a misunderstanding. Please... let me explain.”

Perhaps it's the deep wishful thinking that Jaehwan is telling the truth that causes Hongbin's resolve to crumble. Perhaps he's just weak. He isn't sure, but before he knows it, he sighs out a: ”Fine,” and closes to window to walk down the hall and let the other boy in.

When he does open the door and gets a clearer look at his hyung's face, his heart drops. Jaehwan's cheeks are wet with tears and his eyes are red from crying. Hongbin isn't sure when he last saw Jaehwan cry, but it's been years upon years, he knows that much, and suddenly his anger seems distant. All that remains is the pain.

”Can we go to your room?” Jaehwan asks quietly, and Hongbin nods, stepping aside to let Jaehwan lead the way. When they enter the room together this time, Jaehwan stands in the middle of the room, and his eyes are sad when they land on Hongin's face. The stereo is still playing his album on repeat, filling his room with slow, low-key acoustic music. Hongbin feels empty.

”I'm so sorry,” Jaehwan says quietly. ”I... never wanted him to say those things to you.”

”How could you tell him you're uncomfortable with me? Hyung, you've known how I've felt about you for years, you've had so many chances to tell me that to my face,” Hongbin breathes, and the tears he has repressed all day come welling up now. ”That's so much bullshit.”

”I know.” Jaehwan nods, looking away at the sight of Hongbin's tears. ”It's not true. I don't feel unomfortable with you. Taekwoon hyung, he puts words in my mouth and makes me believe I mean them sometimes, but I don't. I like you so much and he doesn't know that, he doesn't understand.” He struggles to draw a breath through his tears, and Hongbin feels something new opening up inside of him, something unidentified, a wound, maybe, or a sky full of stars. ”I didn't want him to hate me.”

”So...” Hongbin tries, sniffling. ”You let him believe you're as much of a homophobic fuck as he is?”

Jaehwan gives him a dejected laugh. ”Yeah.”

”When in reality, you feel about me the way I feel about you?”

Jaehwan comes closer, holding one of his hands against Hongbin's wet cheek. ”Can I show you how much?”

Hongbin's knees feel weak, because this is almost too much, along with everything else that has happened over the past few weeks and months; he isn't sure if his heart can keep up. He holds up his index finger to Jaehwan's lips. ”Hyung, are you really sober right now?”

”I swear to you, Hongbin,” Jaehwan whispers. ”I swear on my life.”

Hongbin looks into his eyes, but he doesn't see anything there that he doesn't recognize, so he lowers his hand again and nods a fluttering 'yes'. And then it's there, suddenly; something lights up in Jaehwan's eyes that Hongbin has seen there from time to time, but never had a chance to bask in, because Jaehwan has never dared to let Hongbin take up all of his attention before. Jaehwan's hands grip at Hongbin's hips, they've rested there before but never quite like this, and Hongbin throws caution to the wind, trusts his instincts and wraps his arms around Jaehwan's neck when their lips meet. Hongbin does his best to make their first kiss as memorable as he knows it will be, but it's difficult when his heart is pounding up a storm in his chest and the feelings run wild through his veins, not to mention how he can feel Jaehwan's now cold tears mixing with his own on their cheeks, but it doesn't matter, because Jaehwan's body is pulling him in, beckoning him even closer, and he has never felt so right in his life.

Jaehwan pulls back and leans his forehead against Hongbin's. Their breaths come out in matching shivers, and Hongbin can't resist the temptation to bury his hands in Jaehwan's hair. ”I'm so sorry for everything, Hongbin. I'm... I've gone all wrong.”

Hongbin nods, pressing himself even closer to reassure the other. ”It's alright, hyung. It's okay, don't worry.”

But Jaehwan shakes his head, and more tears run down his cheeks. ”No, it's not. I've fucked up, Hongbin. I don't know how this happened but I'm... I'm stuck. I can't stop.”

”You can.” Hongbin rubs his fingers soothingly against Jaewan's scalp. ”Don't cry, hyung, you can make it right again, I promise you. It's gonna be okay.”

But Jaehwan's tears don't slow down. ”I've fucked it all up. Sanghyuk hates me, my parents... You should hate me too.” He pulls back, looks from Hongbin's lips to his eyes, and the look on his face breaks Hongbin's heart. ”See, I've made you cry. The only one who doesn't hate me is Taekwoon, and he's the only one who... I hate.”

”I don't hate you. Hyung, I could never hate you.” He cups Jaehwan's cheeks in his hand, making sure to look him in the eye to make his point. ”You're my everything.” Jaehwan's hands slide up to his shoulders at that, clutching at his shirt, and he says nothing but his eyes squeeze shut in effort to keep himself together, and Hongbin understands. He holds the other close, holds him as tightly as he can, since he suspects that there's nothing else he can do to help. Not right now.

”When we left after Taekwoon hyung said all those things to you... We went out. We went to this party and we were going to get high but I felt so bad, I just kept thinking about how you must be feeling and... I wanted to do it so badly, but I just couldn't.” Jaehwan pants, struggling to get the words out. ”I pretended I took his pills but really I just flushed them down the toilet. He'll kill me if he finds out.”

Hongbin shakes his head on Jaehwan's shoulder. ”He won't find out. Don't talk to him again, hyung, okay?” He pulls back to look the other in the eyes, but Jaehwan avoids his gaze.

”It's just... I'm scared of how he'll react. I know what he's like, he doesn't take rejection very well.”

Hongbin wipes away the tears from Jaehwan's cheek with his thumb. ”Well, what can he do if you don't acknowledge him?” He asks, but the look Jaehwan sends him tells him more than he needs to know. ”We'll figure something out,” he says instead. ”Okay?” Jaehwan nods reluctantly, and Honbin pulls him towards his bed. ”Come on, you're shaking.”

They lie down side by side, and Hongbin pulls the duvet over them, both still fully dressed. Jaehwan lies on his back, tears still running down the sides of his face, and Hongbin stays next to him, his hand on the older's chest, slowly running his fingers along an invisible pattern in Jaehwan's shirt. ”Tell me what you're thinking,” Hongbin requests, and Jaehwan closes his eyes.

”It's the ecstasy,” he mumbles. ”I need another dose.”

”Didn't you say that the comedown from ecstasy isn't that bad?” Hongbin props himself up, leaning his head in his hand and his elbow on the sheets.

Jaehwan laughs unhappily. ”Of course I said that, I was high.”

Hongbin runs his thumb over Jaehwan's collarbone. ”So... How does it feel? The withdrawal.” Jaehwan looks at him cautiously, so Hongbin tries to smile at him. ”I just want to know what you're going through, so that I can help you.”

Shaking his head, Jaehwan covers Hongbin's hand with his own. ”You can't. When you're getting off ecstasy... everything feels pointless. The serotonin levels in you brain are so low, you see, that it's like going through an intense depression. Everything feels... colorless.” He closes his eyes again, and when Hongbin intertwines their fingers, Jaehwan holds his hand tighter than he ever has before. ”That's why people keep coming back for more. They can't stand how grey and pointless life feels when they're sober.”

”But... it will go back to normal, right?” Hongbin says. The only information he has on the drug is what he's gathered at the short lectures they've been given at school, and that really isn't much. He didn't think he'd ever need to remember any of it, either. ”How long does it usually take?”

”I've never waited it out,” Jaehwan admits. ”I've always gone back and taken another dose when it's gotten too bad. So I don't know.”

”But it's about the chemicals in your brain, like you said. I guess it'll take a while to bounce back, but you will.”

Jaehwan sighs deeply. His tears seem to have stopped. ”I'm just glad I focused on ecstasy instead of heroin.” He glances at Hongbin, eyes apologetic. ”Heroin withdrawal is much worse, and much more physical. I'd probably be vomiting all over your floor right now.”

Hongbin wonders to himself once again why people even get into this stuff, but he knows Jaehwan must have his reasons, and he doesn't think it's a good idea to get into that right now. The older looks exhausted, and he has enough to think about already. They have time, so Hongbin leaves it be for now.

”You know what,” Hongbin says. ”We don't know how long it will be, but you'll get better at some point. So let's stick together until then, yeah? We'll do normal things, like watch movies, play games, listen to music, whatever you want. And I'll do my best to cheer you up.”

Jaehwan looks at him with pleading eyes. ”Hongbin, it won't work. Like you said, it's the chemicals in my brain, I can't just _cheer up_.”

”No, I know,” Hongbin hurries. ”Don't feel pressured to get better, but take your time. I know it might be a while. This would just be a way to make time pass quicker, and so that I can be there for you.”

Jaehwan nods after a few moments of consideration. ”Okay,” he says, and then his eyes are tear filled again, and he turns over on his side, shuffling closer to Hongbin and pressing his face into his neck, arms around Hongbin's waist. ”I don't deserve you. You're too good to me.”

Hongbin's heart clenches. ”Hyung, I'll only say this once,” he says, stroking Jaehwan's hair. ”Shut the fuck up.” A warm puff of air against his skin tells him of Jaehwan's laughter, but the older nods, pressing a line of soft kisses along Hongbin's neck. ”When all this is over, I'll make it up to you.”

Hongbin curls his leg around Jaehwan's hips, humming contentedly. ”Don't worry about that. Just focus on getting better for now, hyung.”

Jaehwan kisses him again before he nuzzles closer to Hongbin with a sigh. ”My body is so sore.”

Hongbin lifts his leg immediately. ”Am I hurting you?”

”No.” Jaehwan reaches down and pushes Hongbin's leg back down against him forcibly. ”Don't let go. Don't move. Ever.”

Though his mind is swirling with thoughts and emotions, the happiness of finally having Jaehwan so close, of holding him near, still wins. ”Then try to sleep for now, hyung.” There's no response, but Hongbin doesn't need one. He can feel the beat of Jaehwan's heart against his upper stomach, just like he knows that Jaehwan can feel his. That's all he needs.

”Everything will be okay,” Hongbin whispers into his hair. ”You're not alone. It'll all be okay.”

Before long, Jaehwan's breathing has slowed. Hongbin follows right after.

 

 

07:48

hongbin

jaehwan hyung is here. don't worry about him anymore, hyuk-ah.


	9. Chapter 9

For two days, Jaehwan stays at Hongbin's apartment. During the days, they do what they've always done; watch movies, most of the time, and they're too scared of being found out by Hongbin's parents to be too close to each other. The moment they hear Hongbin's parents' bedroom door close at night, however, things change. They put on music, lie down together, just talking, enjoying their closeness.

Jaehwan's tears come in sporadic attacks, and he always tells Hongbin not to worry about it too much. It has to happen. So Hongbin tries to do just that, let him cry it all out, not try too hard to make him happy again, because he can't. Not yet. Even if it's the only thing he wants.

 

Things change on the third day.

”I think I should go back home today,” Jaehwan says suddenly, out of nowhere. Hongbin has just come back from a very relieving shower to find him sitting on the edge of his bed, and he can't imagine anything he would want less than Jaehwan disappearing from him at this stage.

”Oh? How come?”

”I just... I have to talk to my family.” Jaehwan leans his elbows on his knees, and Hongbin can see how much the state of his family bonds are hurting him. ”I owe them an explanation. They must be worrying sick about me.”

Hongbin knows he's right; he's been thinking about it a lot himself. ”Do you want me to come with you?”

Jaehwan looks skeptical. ”I think I should talk to them alone, so they'll know it's really coming from me, you know?” He holds out his hands to Hongbin when the younger nods, trying to hide the worry on his face. Hongbin walks up to him and takes his hands, shaking his wet fringe out of his eyes. ”But you can come by later, though, right?” Jaehwan adds, pulling the other closer to him. ”Please, tell me you can come by later.”

”Of course.” Hongbin wraps his arms around Jaehwan's neck. ”Just text me when you want me.”

Jaehwan stares at him blankly for a second before he starts digging hurriedly in his pocket.

”What are you doing?”

Jaehwan pulls out his phone and stares up at Hongbin like he's an idiot. ”Texting you. What did you think?”

Hongbin laughs and pulls the phone out of Jaehwan's grip, throwing it down on the bed. Then he leans in close to the other's lips. ”You already have me,” he whispers. Jaehwan's hands find his waist immediately, pulling him down until he's straddling Jaehwan's lap, and their lips meet for hundredth time already, still learning how the other moves. ”Okay,” Hongbin breathes once they part, both of them out of breath. ”Then text me when I can come over, alright?”

Jaehwan nods, his nose brushing against Hongbin's. ”I will.”

”Make it soon, okay?”

Jaehwan's hands wander over his back, sending tingles through Hongbin's body, and he has to fight to keep himself under control. ”Do you trust me?”

Hongbin nods, but he knows he can't lie to Jaehwan, whether his gaze flickers or not.

The older shows him a sad smile as he looks down. ”I've given you many reasons not to trust me, Hongbin, I understand if you don't.”

Hongbin puts his fingers under Jaehwan's chin, tilting his head up and forcing him to look at him. ”Well, from here on out, it's only going to get better, right?” Jaehwan smiles back half-heartedly. ”So go, go home to your family and send me a message when I can come over, and I will trust you more and more from today on.”

Jaehwan pulls at his arm, his lips formed into a slight pout as he tries to make Hongbin kiss him again. And despite everything that has happened, Hongbin feels foolishly ready to trust his hyung again.

 

 

  
The weirdest thing about his and Jaehwan's relationship is, undoubtedly, the simple word 'love'. It's been years upon years since the first time they told each other that they loved one another, so, naturally, Hongbin still loves Jaehwan. He just doesn't know exactly _how_. They've only spent a few days as a couple, so how could Hongbin love Jaehwan romatically already?

But so, if he doesn't, what then? He's already loved Jaehwan all his life, so now that they're a couple, he suddenly doesn't? He can't make the pieces fit in his head, but he supposes it doesn't really matter. It's only a question of labelling. What really bothers him about it is that when he wants to express his feelings to Jaehwan, he doesn't know what to say. ”I love you” seems like too much, too soon. But ”I like you”? How can something as intense as this be cut down to something as weak as that?

This is what Hongbin thinks about when Jaehwan has gone home. He doesn't want to think about whether or not it's stupid of him to trust Jaehwan so quickly, when he has gone back and forth so much recently, betraying promises, lying, changing his personality. No matter what happens, Hongbin has to be able to trust Jaehwan at some point; he can't become his mother or his caretaker. And, he reasons, this will be a good test of Jaehwan's resolve.

 

When Jaehwan has been gone and Hongbin has been waiting anxiously for an hour and a half, Hongbin's phone rings. It's an unknown number, and Hongbin stares at the caller ID, unable to bring himself to pick up. It's a habit he's taken to, to never pick up calls from an unknown number – he doesn't know why, but it worries him. When the phone stops ringing, he goes online and looks the number up, only to find that it's registered for a Jung Taekwoon.

Hongbin goes cold. Why is Taekwoon calling him? He hasn't been trying to contact Jaehwan at all over the past few days, Hongbin knows this, he's been with Jaehwan for almost every moment of the day, so Taekwoon can't be calling to get ahold of Jaehwan, can he? Then, what does he want from Hongbin?

 

 

16:59

hongbin

hyung, taekwoon hyung just called me. i didn't pick up, so i don't know what he wants. maybe you shouldn't pick up if he contacts you either?

 

 

He waits, assumes Jaehwan won't reply, and suddenly there's a strong feeling of fear working its way up through Hongbin's stomach, the realization that something is about to go terribly wrong – what if Jaehwan didn't go home at all? What if he really went to Taekwoon, told him everything in exchange for another fix, and now they're calling him to tell him to go fuck himself?

Just as he stands up restlessly from his chair, his phone vibrates in his hand.

 

 

17:08

unknown

i told you to stay the fuck away from jaehwan. don't think i don't know that he's spent the last few days with you in your apartment, you fag. maybe losing him would hurt your faggot-ass feelings but trust me, if you don't let him live his life the way he wants to soon i will show you what real loss feels like.

 

 

Hongbin remains where he's standing, fear threatening to attack him and swallow him whole. He instinctively looks towards the window, but he can't see anything from here, and he doesn't dare move closer and open it; he doesn't know Taekwoon the way Jaehwan does, he doesn't know what he's capable of and right now he's not sure if that's a relief or not.

Suddenly he's sure that Jaehwan has disappeared, left him again, that neither Sanghyuk nor Mr. or Mrs. Lee saw a trace of him today, that he's in Taekwoon's house now, just having finished filling him in on everything that he and Hongbin has done together, maybe they're laughing, of course they are high, and Hongbin doesn't know what to do, the panic keeps coming closer and he has no way to fight it off.

He looks down again. His phone is vibrating in his hands, signalling another incoming call. For a moment, his phone is all he can see, and his breath comes out in quick puffs as he lifts to phone to check the caller ID.

It's Jaehwan.

He picks it up with his heart in his throat. ”Hello?”

” _Hey, I just got your message, is everything okay?”_

”Hyung,” Hongbin chokes, biting back a sob. ”Where are you?”

” _I'm at home_.” His voice is patient and slow. ” _You know that.”_

”Really?” Hongbin pants down the phone.

” _Yes, really. What's wrong? Do you want me to put Sanghyuk on so you'll know I'm telling the truth?”_

Hongbin closes his eyes and braces himself with his hands on his desk, his knuckles turning white. ”No. No, that's okay. Taekwoon... Taekwoon hyung texted me.”

” _What did he say?”_

He takes a few deep breaths. ”I'll show you when I get there. When can I come?”

” _Now. That's what I called to say._ ” Jaehwan pauses, and he sounds worried. ” _Is it bad? The message he sent you, is it bad?”_

”Yes. Hasn't he tried to contact you?”

” _Uhm... Yes, he has, actually. But I haven't replied.”_

Hongbin holds his breath. ”Was it bad, too?”

” _No. But he wouldn't want to scare me, I think.”_

”Okay,” Hongbin says, but he doesn't feel much calmer. ”Then I'll come over now, yeah?”

” _Yeah. Should I come meet you?”_

”No,” Hongbin hurries, running out of his room and into the hallway. ”Just stay inside, okay?” He pauses for a moment outside of the kitchen, leaning into the room to find his mother sitting by the table. ”I'm going over to Jaehwan's, okay?” he says, and his mother nods.

”Have a good time.”

”I will.”

He pulls his shoes and jacket on in record time and rushes out the door. ”Sorry,” he says once it closes.

” _No problem.”_

”No, I'm sorry,” Hongbin insists. ”I'm sorry that I didn't trust you enough to believe that you were at home just now, hyung.”

” _Hongbin_.” Jaehwan's voice is sad, and Hongbin thinks he can't get to him fast enough, even as he sprints down the stairs. ” _I told you, I understand.”_

”Let's talk more when I get there.” He feels tears press up through his throat, and he doesn't want to bother Jaehwan further. He just wants to get there as soon as he can, and even if Jaehwan's presence in his ear would make him feel a little more calm about facing a world that might have Taekwoon waiting for him somewhere along the way, he truly doesn't want to trouble Jaehwan's already burdened mind.

” _Okay_.” Jaehwan makes a loud kissing noise into the phone, and it cuts into Hongbin's eardrum. _”Hurry up, and don't hesitate to call me if... there's a problem, okay?”_

Hongbin knows what he means, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it. ”Okay. Yeah. See you soon.”

The _I love you_ that balances at the back of Hongbin's throat goes unsaid, because he still doesn't know exactly what he means.

 

 

 

 

 

When the door to Jaehwan's apartment opens, he's not greeted by Jaehwan's face as he expected, but by Mrs. Lee. Before he has a chance to understand what's going on, she pulls him into a bone-cracking hug, cradling him silently from side to side. Hongbin keeps quiet, because he understands. And when Mrs. Lee finally lets him out of her embrace, she moves aside, and Hongbin's eyes fall on the figure of Mr. Lee behind her. The man comes up to him, and his face is unreadable as always, but he takes Hongbin's hand in his, while the other lands on his shoulder, squeezing tightly. Hongbin smiles at them both, unsure what to say, and they both smile back, with the sincerest gratitude Hongbin has ever seen, poorly hidden on their faces.

 

Hongbin doesn't breathe properly until he has entered Jaehwan's room and seen him sit there on the couch, his phone in his hand and his laptop closed on the table in front of him. Hongbin shuts the door behind him before closing the distance between them, throwing himself down on the couch beside the older, anxiety escaping him in waves as he breathes out. His legs hang over the arm rest of the couch, and the top of his head grazes Jaehwan's thighs.

”Everything okay?” Jaehwan asks, leaning down in an uncomfortable angle to press a kiss against the tip of Hongbin's nose.

”No,” Hongbin sighs. ”The fucking text he sent me, hyung. It's scary.”

Jaehwan puts his phone down and pokes nervously at the fringe on Hongbin's forehead. ”What did he say? Let me see.”

Hongbin does as he's told and pulls his phone out from his pocket. He opens the message, and when Jaehwan takes the phone out of his hand, he closes his eyes, scared of where life will go from here.

”Shit,” Jaehwan breathes. Hongbin hums in agreement, not sure of what else to say. What are they supposed to do? Go to the police? Is that too dramatic? The sun is beaming in through the window behind Jaehwan's couch, and Hongbin feels thankful and terrified at the same time; grateful for the remaining sunshine, scared of what might happen once darkness falls.

Hongbin's phone falls down next to him with a thud, but he doesn't pay it any attention. ”Hyung, what do we do?”

Jaehwan sighs above him. His hands come back to brush through Hongbin's hair. ”I don't know.”

Hongbin tilts his head to look up at the other, his neck straining at the weird position. Jaehwan's face is serious, but at least he looks calm, something that Hongbin can't bring himself to feel no matter how much he tires. ”I'm scared,” he admits, and the look it earns him from the other sends tingles through his already tense stomach. ”I want to be strong for you, since you're going through such a hard time, but I'm really scared.”

”Hongbin, it's okay,” Jaehwan says, hushing him. ”That's what he wants, he's just trying to scare us into doing what he wants. Let's... Let's lay low for a while, and we'll see if he's actually planning to do something or if he thinks this will scare us enough to break us up.”

Hongbin nods, but he feels all but sure of Jaehwan's plan. ”But what if he does something?”

”What could he do?”

”I don't know.” Hongbin shrugs. ”Hurt you.” He reaches up above his head to put his hand on Jaehwan's thigh, his whole body trembling at the thought of Jaehwan getting hurt. One of Jaehwan's hands come down instantly to cover his, and he laughs.

”He hasn't threatened me.”

”Indirectly, he did,” Hongbin mumbles, then remembers: ”What did he say to you?”

Jaehwan's hand suddenly slides in under Hongbin's neck, cold against Hongbin's hot, damp skin. ”Lift your head for a second,” he says, and Hongbin does. Jaehwan moves closer, and Hongbin ends up with his head leaned on Jaehwan's lap, unable to stop the smile that spreads with the flutter of his heart. ”This is what he said.” He hands his phone to Hongbin, who accepts it with hands that are starting to shake a little less, soothed by the other boy's warmth.

 

 

16:19

taekwoon

you said you'd show up, and i'll hold you to that. i'm waiting.

 

16:23

taekwoon

10 more minutes, then i'm leaving without you.

 

16:30

taekwoon

ok, you know what? i'm starting to get sick of helping you get your fix just to be left high and dry every fucking time. i'm not helping you anymore.

 

16:36

taekwoon

i'm going without you. you'd better have a damn good explanation for this.

 

 

”Whoa,” Hongbin says when he's read them all, handing the phone back to Jaehwan. ”He's really serious.” Jaehwan nods, placing both his and Hongbin's cellphones on the table. ”Why was he waiting for you?”

”Last time we saw each other I told him I'd be at his place by four today so we could go to this thing,” Jaehwan says, shaking his head. The everpresent shame in his eyes shines through once again, and he sighs. ”Maybe it would have been better if I just told him I couldn't make it today.”

Hongbin considers it. ”Maybe you could still do that. Tell him the truth, that this whole thing isn't for you anymore.”

”After the message he sent you? I don't think so. Let's not even acknowledge him.” One of Jaehwan's hands slides down over Hongbin's shoulders. ”I don't want him to think that kind of shit works, because it doesn't. He will never lay a finger on you.”

And though Hongbin is scared, he trusts the strength in Jaehwan's words. Not that he really cares about Taekwoon harming him; he doesn't think that he ever would. Neither does he think could ever do any serious physical damage to Jaehwan. What he's worried about is the influence Taekwoon has on Jaehwan, his mental, emotional malipulative power, because he thinks, in all honesty, that the drugs can do a lot worse to Jaehwan than Taekwoon ever could.

Hongbin sits up, wants to inch closer to the boy beside him, but doesn't dare. Jaehwan look back at him seriously, and Hongbin thinks for a moment he can feel it, physically feel the love that Jaehwan holds for him, because it burns its way through his eyes and prickles at Hongbin's skin. He has no reason to doubt it. Jaehwan's hand finds the back of his neck, pulling him closer, and Hongbin dares to place a quick peck on his lips, but Jaehwan won't let him pull back afterwards. Instead he scooches closer, kissing him harder, more passionately, and when his tongue grazes his lips, Hongbin's whole body pounds with want, and he pulls back with an embarrassed laugh.

”What if someone sees?”

But Jaehwan simply laughs. ”Do you know how many times I've talked about my feelings for you with my mom through my life?”

Hongbin widens his eyes at him. ”No?” he says quietly. ”But I'd love to find out.”

Jaehwan snorts, affectionate smile on his lips. ”She knows. She's known for a long time.”

”Really?” Hongbin feels like most of his body is made of jelly when Jaehwan nods. ”What about your dad?”

”I'm pretty sure my mom has told him. And if she hasn't, he must have figured it out just by listening to the way her and I talk about you sometimes.”

Hongbin lets his fingers trail Jaehwan's collarbone, visible over the hem of his t-shirt. ”How... do you guys talk about me?” he asks, giving Jaehwan a curious glance, but Jaehwan shakes his head, looking down.

”I can't tell you that, it's embarrassing.”

”Oh, come on,” Hongbin whines, nudging his shoulder. ”You can't make me all curious and then leave me hanging like that.”

”Hmm, well,” Jaehwan hums, and Hongbin knows from the playful look on his face that this is not going to play out according to Hongbin's rules. ”Can I tell you like this?” he breathes against Hongbin's lips, and then he's kissing him again, pushing his body backwards and down, his hand coming up to cradle Hongbin's head and carefully place him down against the armrest. He draws a sharp breath through his nose, and Hongbin feels his eyes roll back in his head when Jaehwan's body comes down softly on top of him; he's so warm, so close, and it feels almost too good to be true. He wraps his arms around Jaehwan's neck, arching up off the couch to get the older even closer to himself, and he knows he has to calm down, try to clear his head or he'll end up in a very awkward position very soon. Jaehwan breaks the kiss, his face hovering over the side of Hongbin's neck, breath coming out in deep pants, and Hongbin feels like he's ready to go so much further, do so much more, yet at the same time not, because he doesn't dare to initiate it. Granted, doing such a thing right now would be stupid, since any member of the Lee family could walk in at any moment and find them there on the couch, but even if they weren't there, Hongbin knows he would still be too shy. All of this is still new to them both.

”It's possible that I asked her for advice on you in the past,” Jaehwan admits then, almost whispers it into Hongbin's ear. Hongbin puts his hands on Jaehwan's chest, pushing him up until he can see his face clearly.

”If you're telling me you've asked your mother for fashion advice before you've seen me, I'm gonna pee myself.”

Jaehwan purses his lips. ”Well...”

”Oh my fucking God, hyung,” Hongbin chokes, then he explodes with laughter, rolling over on his side so that Jaehwan falls down between Hongin's body and the couch backrest, grinning widely as Hongbin clings to him through his laughter. ”Oh god,” Hongbin pants after a few moments, trying to compose himself. ”Oh god, I...” He stops himself, because once again, the words _I love you_ want to come out, but he chokes; he can't let them. There must be some less charged equivalent that he can use until he gets his head back on properly, right? ”You are so fucking adorable,” he says instead, clinging to Jaehwan as tightly as he can.

Hongbin's phone vibrates on the table. Their laughter stops immediately as they look at each other, both feeling the dread rise within them, Hongbin faster than Jaehwan. He hurries to sit up and reach for his phone, trembling a little again, though he's not sure if it's from the adrenaline of kissing Jaehwan or just fear this time. He opens his phone, and finds he has a new text.

 

 

18:28

taekwoon

running away to hide at jaehwan's won't help. who knows, maybe someday i'll leave your parents a message for you to find when you come back home.

 

 

And just like that, Hongbin is back to being terrified. He hands the phone over to Jaehwan without a word, and then he closes his eyes, pressing his face into Jaehwan's chest, wishing this would all be over with, wishing it was just a long nightmare.

”It's okay,” Jaehwan says once he's read it, wrapping his arms around Hongbin tightly. ”It's okay, Hongbin, it's just scare tactics. Don't worry.”

But how can he not? He hopes Jaehwan is right, but how can he be sure?

”I'll never let him do anything to hurt you,” Jaehwan whispers. ”Trust me on that. I won't let him, not ever.”

When Hongbin buries his fists in Jaehwan's t-shirt, he wonders when the appropriate time to suggest they call the police will be.


	10. Chapter 10

11:21

taekwoon

ok, you've obviously gotten yourself a brainwashing boyfriend, which means you lied to me. and that's fine, since i don't want people like you around anyway. but you know as well as i do that i've given you both ecstasy, heroin and weed that i could have sold to someone else. you've lost me thousands of dollars this way. pay me back, and we'll forget everything. pay me back, and this won't have to get worse than it already is.

 

 

 

Jaehwan does indeed owe Taekwoon money, and he tells Hongbin this with dejection and shame. He barely even knew it himself, he says; Taekwoon has given him drugs on numerous occasions, but he always said not to worry about it. They were gifts. Sharing is caring. But now that they aren't friends anymore, Taekwoon wants it all back.

”How much money are we talking about here?” Hongbin asks. Jaehwan slumps back against him, shaking his head.

”I haven't a clue. Way more than I have. Which doesn't say much, I know, since I don't have enough to buy gum right now.”

They're on Jaehwan's couch again, this time with Hongbin leaning against the arm rest and Jaehwan perched between his legs with his back against Hongbin's chest. Hongbin's arms wrap around his stomach, and he feels surrounded by everything Jaehwan.

”I don't have any money to speak of either,” Hongbin says. If he did, he'd gladly give it all up to get Jaehwan out of this mess. ”How about your parents?”

Jaehwan shakes his head. ”It's too much, I can't ask them for it. I got myself into this, I have to get myself out.”

”Come on, hyung,” Hongbin says, his hand squeezing Jaehwan's bended knee. ”They'd be more than happy to help you leave this whole thing behind.”

Jaehwan's head falls back against Hongbin's shoulder. ”My dad will kill me if we have to take from the college fund.”

Hongbin sighs, leaning his head against Jaehwan's. The truth is that even though this is a big problem, it's a much more substantial one, one that Hongbin and Jaehwan can work towards solving together, so Hongbin feels relieved. ”So what are you thinking?”

”I'm thinking... I'll have to try and find a job, something simple, and give everything I earn to Taekwoon.”

”I'll look for one too, then.”

Jaehwan leans to the side to get a look at his boyfriend's face. ”What?”

”I'll find a job, too, and help you pay off your debt so that we can forget this whole thing as quickly as possible.”

”Hongbin, no,” Jaehwan says quietly, his fingers coming up to caress the skin right below Hongbin's throat. ”I can't let you do that.”

”Well, you can't stop me,” Hongbin grins. ”It's not like I'm in any immediate need of money, you know? Besides, I'd rather you owe the money to me than to that psycho.” He shudders.

”But–”

”We have plenty of time to settle it later,” Hongbin argues. ”Don't we?”

Jaehwan stares at him for a few seconds, but smiles in defeat when he realizes what Hongbin means. ”We do.”

”Are you going to tell Taekwoon about it?”

Jaehwan's brow furrows. ”I don't know. I guess I should, huh? But not today, I can't bring myself to talk to him right now.”

He presses a soft kiss to Hongbin's lips, and it's supposed to be reassuring, but today is a particularly bad day for Jaehwan. He hasn't said it out loud, but he doesn't need to; Hongbin can see it easily by now. If it's because of Taekwoon's latest message, or if it's after-affects (of ecstasy or otherwise), Hongbin isn't sure. He doesn't know if he should ask.

Jaehwan turns around and leans his back against Hongbin's chest again, and Hongbin embraces him tightly, closing his eyes as he tries to transfer some warmth, some positivity, happiness, maybe, into the other's body. Hongbin's most beloved CD is playing again, now from Jaehwan's speakers, and the music calms him down to the point where he feels like he might fall asleep.

”Hyung,” he tries. ”Do you want to tell me why you got into this whole thing to begin with?”

Jaehwan shifts in his embrace. ”I would if I knew.”

”When you came to my apartment that day, you said it was to unwind, to distract you from all the stuff that stresses you out.”

Jaehwan laughs. ”I remember.”

”But?”

The older's hands slide over Hongbin's arms down to his hands. ”It's true in a sense, I suppose. For the longest time, I had no idea what I wanted. With my life, with college... with you.” He pauses, cluching at Hongbin's hands. ”I still don't know what I want to do with my life, and now that everyone keeps pressuring me about college, it just... It sets that off, I guess. Apparently I'm not very good at handling stress. And Taekwoon hyung came around at just the right moment to take advtange of that.” He hums. ”Maybe he could smell my fear.”

Hongbin laughs at that. ”It does seem like his area of expertise.”

”Yeah,” Jaehwan replies in a scoff. ”Either way, at the end of the day, those things are all just excuses. Getting high was a relief at first, but then it became... An addiction. A much bigger problem than everything I was running from combined.” He lifts one of Hongbin's hands to his mouth, kissing it carefully. ”And because you tried to stop me from doing it, I ended up running from the real cure to my problems, too.”

Hongbin frowns. ”What do you mean?”

”You,” Jaehwan says quietly. His face is turned away, so Hongbin can't see his expression, but he feels like he might implode. ”I'm so in love with you... And you make me feel so much better, even at a time when I physically can't be okay. It makes me wish that I would have been brave enough to trust you with all of this instead of dragging us both into this mess.”

”Shh, hyung. It's alright.” He can't see it, but he can hear the tears in Jaehwan's voice now.

”If I hadn't been so crazy, we could have gone on actual dates by now without a care in the world. It could have been so amazing.”

Hongbin holds him tighter. ”It's already amazing, hyung. None of those things matter.”

But Jaehwan shakes his head. ”I can't do anything for you. I just... I don't have the energy, and I just feel so...”

”Hyung, listen to me,” Hongbin says, grabbing onto the older's shirt. ”The fact that you took the step to bring yourself out of your addiction, and that you came to me, is the best thing that could have possibly happened in my life. I'm not in love with you because you do things for me, alright? And I'm in love with you even when you're sad. So be sad, hyung. I'll wait it out with you, and it won't make me want you any less.”

”Hongbin...” Jaehwan breathes, holding onto Hongbin's arms so tightly it almost hurts. ”God, I'm...”

Hongbin hushes him, and he repeats the words in his head: _I love you, I love you, I love you_. ”All that matters to me is that you get better.” That's just another version of that _I love you_ , he supposes, and he feels content, reaching up to blindly wipe at the tears on Jaehwan's cheeks. ”Are you scared that I will leave you if you don't feel better fast enough?”

The silence that greets his question tells him everything he needs to know.

”I finally have you to myself, why would I ever leave?”

And Jaehwan laughs through his tears, holding on for dear life. Hongbin hopes that's enough to keep the fears at bay for a while – they've had enough of it to last a lifetime.

 

 

 

They've played the CD so many times by now that Jaehwan is starting to learn the lyrics to the songs, much to Hongbin's joy. He widens his eyes as the other sings along to one of his favorite songs that day, when they're still captured in each other's arms there on the couch. ”Oh,” he says in surprise, ”you're starting to learn the words.”

Jaehwan stops singing. ”Well, I know you love this song.” He lets himself fall back into the melody for a moment before continuing: ”I'm going to keep this album forever, and these songs will always make me think of you.” He rolls over in Hongbin's arms so that he's facing him, chest flush against Hongbin's stomach. The tears have long since dried on his cheeks, and Hongbin smiles at him, unable to hide the way his heart beats faster at the look in Jaehwan's glassy eyes. Jaehwan crawls in closer, pressing his lips against Hongbin's, disarming him completely, if he ever had any resistance to the older to begin with, and the older climbs up along his body while Hongbin slides down so that Jaehwan hovers over him slightly, pressing hungry kisses to his lips.

”I could get used to this,” Hongbin says when Jaehwan pulls back to look at him. ”Having you on top of me.”

Jaehwan smiles, somewhere halfway between embarrassed and playful. ”You'd better,” he says, only for his breath to hitch when Hongbin's warm hands slip into his shirt and slide up his stomach. Grinning in response to Jaehwan's choked groan, Hongbin lets his hands wander onto Jaehwan's back, nails scraping against his skin slightly, and Jaehwan kisses him again, pressing himself closer, much closer than before.

The door opens quietly. It was never fully closed, and since the two of them are pre-occupied with other things, their eyes closed, they don't see Sanghyuk standing in the doorway.

”Oh. Uh, oh.”

They separate quicker than they thought possible, heads snapping towards the door, but Jaehwan doesn't get off Hongbin.

”I didn't know you two were...” Sanghyuk trails off, staring down at the floor. ”I mean... Jesus, get a room or something.”

”We have a room,” Jaehwan says pointedly. ”This room. It's mine.”

”Point,” Sanghyuk mumbles, looking everywhere but at the two of them. Hongbin stifles his laughter by burying his face in Jaehwan's sleeve. ”Uhm... Anyway... Mom wanted me to tell you that dinner's ready... But it looks like you guys already had yours.”

Jaehwan picks up a pillow from under Hongbin's head and holds it up in warning. Sanghyuk flees the scene with a high-pitched laugh, and Hongbin and Jaehwan are left staring at each other in the silence.

”Let's go,” Jaehwan says, about to sit up and get off Hongbin, but the younger holds onto his wrist and drags him back down again. When Jaehwan looks at him questioningly, Hongbin simply captures the other's face in his hands and pulls him down to his lips, kissing him again, this time slower, slower than any of their previous kisses. He feels Jaehwan breathe shakily against him, and Hongbin loses himself in the feeling, Jaehwan's lips relaxed and soft against his own. They don't know how many minutes pass like this, but in the end, it's Hongbin who opens his eyes and pulls back, his breathing uneven and love overflowing, almost to the point where it makes him weep. He sees the feeling reflected in Jaehwan's eyes, and it's almost a little too much, so Jaehwan gets off, helps Hongbin off the couch, and they walk into the kitchen hand in hand, silently.  


	11. Chapter 11

”Hyung, we need to get out of the apartment.”

Jaehwan grunts in reply. He's spread out on the couch, lying face down on his stomach. Hongbin jumps up on top of him, straddling the small of his back.

”Come on, hyung. The days are starting to blur together in my head, we need to get out of here. Just for a while.”

”Right,” Jaehwan mumbles, turning his head to the side so that Hongbin can hear him. ”Today's Thursday, right?”

”Friday,” Hongbin laughs, ruffling Jaehwan's hair.

Another grunt greets him at that. ”That was just a test.”

”Of course.”

Jaehwan doesn't say anything else, but seems more interested in falling asleep, even though they got up less than two hours ago. ”Come on, hyung,” Hongbin whines, bouncing up and down on the older's back.

”Oh, don't do that, I'm going to throw up.” Hongbin stills, and Jaehwan turns over beneath him, so that Hongbin is straddling his waist instead. ”Why do you want to go outside? It's so nice right here,” Jaehwan says, smiling as his hands wander from Hongbin's hips to his sides, but Hongbin can tell it isn't geniune. Jaehwan is sad, too sad for words, and staying cooped up like this isn't helping.

”We wouldn't go far, just to the playground. Some sun would do you good.”

Jaehwan stretches beneath him, muttering incoherently. ”I get a lot of sun as it already, thank you very much.”

”It doesn't count if it's through the window,” Hongbin dead-pans.

”It's not. I see the sun in your smile all the time.”

Hongbin grimaces. ”Ew.” Jaehwan laughs, poking Hongbin's side, and Hongbin thinks the other really is a great actor. ”Come on, I'm being serious here.”

”Me too,” Jaehwan nods. ”You seriously have the brightest smile in the whole world, did you know that?”

Hongbin wants to remain serious, but he can't stop the smile that breaks out on his face, so he leans down and buries his face in Jaehwan's shoulder instead. ”Hyung!” he yells into the fabric. ”Shut up! I won't let you distract me.”

”Really?” Jaehwan pouts when Hongbin sits up again. ”But it's so much fun.”

”The sun, look at the sun!” Hongbin says, enthusiastically gesturing towards the window. ”It's warm and nice and there's fresh air outside. Do you remember outside?”

Jaehwan nods, giving him a funny look. ”Vaguely. It's very dangerous, as I recall.”

Hongbin hesitates. Is that the reason why he doesn't want to go? Jaehwan, apparently seeing the other's train of thought through his eyes, sighs and turns his face towards the window. ”Can't you just bring the sun and the fresh air and all that stuff inside instead?”

”Hyung, don't let him scare you away from going outside.” Jaehwan stares at him blankly. ”It's just the playground, we won't see him. Besides, it's so close to home. It'll be fine.” He reaches down to straighten out the older's fringe.

”It's not that,” Jaehwan says after a few moments of silence. ”I'm literally just lazy.” Of course that laziness he's talking about is only Jaehwan's lack of energy, lack of happiness, and Hongbin knows this. He supposes they don't need to say it out loud.

”Yes, well, you won't get less lazy from lying around here all day. Let's goooooooooo.”

”Fine,” Jaehwan groans.

”Yay.” Hongbin leans down, pressing a quick but firm peck to the other's lips.

Jaehwan gives a short laugh at Hongbin's happiness. ”But only if you keep smiling like that all along. Share some of the sun with me.”

Hongbin is about to give him a sarcastic comment about cheese and grease, but then his phone goes off, startling them both. There hasn't been much activity on his phone since he got there; the odd text from Wonshik asking he wants to come play soccer, his mother asking if he's still alive, and he's used to only really hearing from Jaehwan and Sanghyuk, so that makes sense. He snatches his phone from the table and sees that it's his mother calling.

He picks up, still seated on top of Jaehwan. ”Hello?”

” _Hi, Hongbin. Where are you?”_

”At Jaehwan's. I told you that.”

Jaehwan makes a low sound of satisfaction in the back of his throat, and then his hands come sliding up Hongbin's thighs. Hongbin gives him a horrified look.

” _Okay. I just wanted to make sure._ ” She sounds tense, and Hongbin can't help but feel worried. ” _Hongbin, who is Taekwoon_?”

He stops breathing. ”Why do you ask?”

” _He was just here. Is he a friend of yours_?”

”Uh,” Hongbin says, and Jaehwan's hands still as he notices the change in the younger. ”Not exactly. You didn't let him in, did you?”

” _No. It made me suspicious when I told him you weren't home and he still wanted to come in. Who is he? What does he want from you?_ ”

”Uhm... It's kind of a long story.” Hongbin stares at Jaehwan as if pleading for help; he hasn't planned for this conversation at all.

” _Well, I wish you would come home so we can talk about it. Should I call the police?_ ”

”No, mom,” Hongbin hurries. ”Don't do that. I'll... I'll come home now to pick up some clothes and stuff and we can talk about it, okay? Just don't let him in if he comes back.”

” _Okay. See you soon.”_

”Yeah. Bye.”

He hangs up, and he feels much colder than before. Jaehwan sits up sightly, leaning back on his elbows. ”He didn't...” he tries. ”Did he?”

Hongbin nods. ”He did. I have to go home for a while.”

”What are you going to tell them?” Jaehwan asks when Hongbin gets off him, ready to leave immediately.

”I don't know,” Hongbin sighs. ”Nothing involving drugs, that's for sure.”

Jaehwan chews on the insides of his cheeks as he follows Hongbin towards the door. ”You should tell them as much as possible, they deserve to know. I just...”

Hongbin stops, realizing the look of guilt on his boyfriend's face. ”What?”

”I don't want your parents to hate me.”

Hongbin reaches out to take his hand. His heart aches, but he's slowly getting used to the feeling. ”The problem here is Taekwoon, not you. I won't tell them more than I need to.”

Jaehwan nods, but the guilt is still obvious on his face. ”Okay. Can... Can we talk on the phone on the way there and back?” he asks, trying to make it sound casual. ”I just want to make sure everything's okay.”

”Of course,” Hongbin says, and though he doesn't let it show, he's relieved, too. He lets go of Jaehwan's hand and they walk out into the hallway together, Hongbin's heart already racing in his chest.

”Be careful.” Jaehwan moves in close to Hongbin, and his voice is low so that no one else will hear. ”If you see him, don't try to talk to him, just run, and I'll be there as soon as I can.”

Hongbin nods, starting to feel truly scared. God only knows how long it's been since Taekwoon left the apartment, so what if he really does run into him on the way? ”See you soon,” he says, and when he's out the door, he calls Jaehwan up immediately. Then he runs.

 

 

 

 

Hongbin runs most of the way, panting into his phone, Jaehwan not saying much other than to occasionally reassure him that everything will be okay. He doesn't run into Taekwoon on the way, doesn't see anything out of the ordinary at all, and when he walks into his apartment, ending the call with Jaehwan as he does so, it's with his heart in his throat.

”Mom?” he calls, and after a few horrifying moments of silence, she walks out from the living room to greet him.

”Hongbin, what is happening?” she asks. Her black hair is tied back into a knot, and it makes her look even stricter than she sounds. ”You've been gone for days!”

”I've only been at Jaehwan's,” he replies shrugging. ”It's hardly the first time, and you've never said anything about it before.”

”Yes, well, there's never been any unknown men here banging on the door, demanding to be let in so they can talk to you before!” Hongbin walks past her and into his room, and she follows behind him. ”What have you done?”

”I haven't done anything,” Hongbin denies as he walks up to his closet and starts picking out clothes to pack. He's been wearing Jaehwan's clothes for a while now, and he still is, even right now. He wonders if his mother even realizes it. ”It's not me he wants to see, it's Jaehwan.”

”Jaehwan?” his mother repeats. ”Why?”

”It's just a disagreement about something.” Hongbin doesn't look at her as he says it. ”Jaehwan hasn't done anything wrong, but that guy is crazy, which is why you shouldn't even acknowledge him.”

His mother watches him with her hands on her hips. ”Is he dangerous?”

Hongbin bites his tongue. Saying no would be wrong, both because it's probably a lie, and because it might end up becoming dangerous. But saying yes would make her worry, and worrying mothers are hard to control. ”He can be. But don't worry,” he hurries to add when his mother looks like she's about to start yelling, ”he'll get bored of it all and move on soon, I promise. Just keep the door locked at all times, and don't under any circumstances let him in.”

She watches him pack his things in silence for a while. ”Are you going back to Jaehwan's?”

”Yeah.”

”What, are you moving in with him or something?” She's angry, but Hongbin can't bring himself to care about that right now, not as she gestures towards the tall pile of clothes he has placed on his desk.

”He needs me right now.”

”Should you really be around him in this situation?” she asks, taking a few steps closer to him. ”Now that it's this dangerous?”

”Look, mom, he's just trying to scare us by pulling stuff like this. It'll all blow over soon.” He pulls out a bag from the bottom of his closet, stuffing his clothes into it, and he hears his mother's labored breathing from behind him.

”Hongbin.”

”Yeah?”

”He said...” she starts, and Hongbin turns to look at her, worry welling up at once. ”He said... He said that you and Jaehwan are a couple. That isn't true, is it?”

Hongbin looks away immediately. He wants to deny it, but the question caught him off guard, and he knows his body is betraying him, that the truth is obvious on his face. Why, why, _why_ would Taekwoon tell her _that_? Taking a deep breath to brace himself, he zips up his bag. ”It's true.”

His mother's mouth falls open. ” _Hongbin,_ ” she exclaims, tone reprimanding. He swallows heavily, bringing the strap over his head to sling the bag over his shoulder. ”I know you've been lonely, but to go out and... _do that_ with the first person you see?”

”It isn't like that,” Hongbin spits, and feels warm as blood rushes to his face. ”Mom, I've been in love with him for years.”

She sighs heavily, leaning her head fowards and closing her eyes tightly. ”Hongbin, you're both... boys.”

He rolls his eyes. This is definitely not a conversation he's prepared to have. ”I know that. So what?”

She clenches her jaw. ”You're not going back there.”

Hongbin shakes his head, sighing. ”I'm sorry, but I am.”

”Hongbin.”

”No, mom,” he yells, and she looks at him in surprise. ”You don't understand. I already told you, Jaehwan hyung needs me, he's going through a really hard time right now. I'm going, whether you try to stop me or not.” He walks around her towards the door, and he stops as he reaches it, turning around to see his mother staring at the pictures in the ceiling. Almost all of them are of Jaehwan.

”What are you two doing that's so important?” she asks quietly.

”We... we're going to start looking for part-time jobs, hyung and me.”

”Really?” She sounds empty now, and Hongbin can't stop the sadness from grabbing him. ”Have you found any?”

”Not yet.”

”I'll talk to your father about it. You know how he's always saying they're so understaffed at the paper.”

For a moment, Hongbin can only blink at her, dumbfounded. Of all things, he wasn't expecting _that._ ”Right,” he says then. ”Thank you.”

”Don't thank me yet,” she says, turning around to face him. ”Don't leave like this, Hongbin.”

”It's not like I'm not coming back,” he says, hand on the door handle. ”It's just for a while.”

”You have to think about what you're getting yourself into,” she pleads. ”The whole thing with you and Jaehwan... it's twisted, Hongbin. Don't pretend like it isn't.”

”What's twisted? What am I getting myself into? A loving relationship? What part of that do I need to rethink?”

She shakes her head, mouth narrowing into a thin line. ”It's not natural. It's wrong, you know that.”

Hongbin feels more disappointed than he has with anybody in his life. ”What I know is that Jaehwan hyung is my boyfriend, and there's nothing wrong with that.” Then he walks away, down the hallway, and he doesn't stop when she calls for him.

”Lee Hongbin, you stop right there!” she screeches as he opens the front door.

”What? What do you want me to do?”

She stares at him silently, panting with frustration. If she's going to throw him out, that's fine, Hongbin thinks, because his father would never stand for it. He knows them both _that_ well, at least, so he doesn't worry. Not about that.

”Come home soon.”

He gives a short nod before he disappears through the door.

 

 

 

 

18:22

taekwoon

time is ticking.


	12. Chapter 12

Hongbin finally manages to drag Jaehwan out to the playground the day after, when they've both calmed themselves down a little from Taekwoon's visit. They climb up on the rocks to soak in the sun, Hongbin with his camera in his hands, Jaehwan looking exhausted.

The older lies down on top of their miniature mountain, a soft breeze relieving him from the intensity of the sun. Hongbin stands beside him, snapping picture after picture of his relaxed face.

”Are you documenting the process of me becoming roasted?” Jaehwan asks, squeezing an eye open to look at the younger. ”I'm not used to being in the sun, I'm gonna be hot pink for the rest of the year.”

”Oh, hyung,” Hongbin laughs. ”It's a good thing you look handsome in every color, then.”

Jaehwan laughs, and Hongbin hurries to take another picture. ”I'm thinking of vomit green for next year, how does that sound?”

”Lovely.” Hongbin backs up to fit more of the world in frame, their neighborhood displayed beyond the cliff and Jaehwan's stretched out body.

Jaehwan turns his head back to look at him, and Hongbin feels his heart almost stop at the sight before him. He pushes the button on his camera few times, sure that this will be the next picture to go up on his wall. ”What?” he asks when Jaehwan's gaze turns curious.

”Nothing. I just love watching you work.” Hongbin smiles, crawling back over to Jaehwan on his knees. ”Do you think your mom has told your dad about us yet?”

Hongbin huffs, sitting down next to the older and curling his legs beneath him. ”It's hard to say. Probably not. Right now I think she doesn't want to acknowledge it by mentioning out loud ever again.” Hongbin's father had sent him a message earlier on the day, telling him that he'd set up interviews for him and Jaehwan at the local newspaper, applying for the position of delivery person. It's a job that no one wants, Hongbin knows, because of the uncomfortable working hours, strenuous physical work and low pay; he's heard his father complain about it many times before. Despite all that, he thinks he and Jaehwan can do well with it. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to bring in some cash. And in the message, his father hadn't seemed any different from usual, which to Hongbin meant that he didn't know about him and Jaehwan yet.

”Man, I never thought she would react like that,” Jaehwan says then. ”She's always been so nice to me.”

”When you were my handsome, respectable best friend, yes,” Hongbin says. ”You're every mother's dream, hyung, just not for her only son.”

Jaehwan looks up at him, squinting in the sunlight. ”I guess I shouldn't show my face around her for a while, huh?”

Hongbin shrugs. ”I don't know. She'll just have to get used to it. But maybe we should wait until things have calmed down a little.”

”Whatever you say. She's your mother.” He reaches out for Hongbin's hand, so he lets his camera rest in his lap.

”Is it weird that I think your mother probably knows me better than my own?”

Jaehwan grins. ”No, it'd be weird if she knew you better than _I_ do.”

Humming in reply, Hongbin places his camera beside him on the stone. ”Nobody does,” he says, inching closer to Jaehwan and lying down beside him.

”Nobody?” Jaehwan repeats.

”Nobody.”

The older shuffles even closer, his face turned towards the sky. ”Good. Let's keep it that way.”

 

 

Hours later, they're still lying there side by side, watching the clouds drift by. The skin on Jaehwan's cheeks is slowly starting to redden, but Hongbin finds it too cute to say anything about it. Comfortable silence surrounds them as they listen to the wind, and Hongbin is starting to wonder if Jaehwan is at all awake anymore.

”Why haven't we ever come out here to look at the stars?” he asks. Jaehwan opens his eyes, but simply blinks in confusion. ”It'd be perfect to lie here at night.”

”Maybe,” Jaehwan replies, stretching a little. ”How about we do it tomorrow night?” he offers, turning over on his side to face Hongbin better. ”We can't do it tonight, I can only take so much fresh air in a single day.”

Hongbin laughs, pulling the other closer until his head leans on Hongbin's chest, his arm coming out to wrap around his stomach. ”Sounds like a plan.”

Someone pulls themselves up on the cliff a few meters away, and they both spot the figure out of the corner of their eyes, jumping apart faster than lightning. Hongbin is prepared to run until his lungs start to ache, but then he sees that it's only Sanghyuk, Sanghyuk with a plastic bag in his hand, and he calms down, exchanging a relieved look with Jaehwan.

”Hey, Hyuk,” Jaehwan says, but the younger doesn't reply. Not until he reaches them and throws the plastic bag down on the ground does Hongbin notice the look of fury on his face. ”What–” Jaehwan manages, but then Sanghyuk throws himself down on his knees, attacking, punching, scratching his brother wherever he can reach. Hongbin watches in confusion for a moment before hurrying to get up on his feet.

”How could you not tell me?!” the younger screams, his voice echoing between the houses.

”Hyuk– what– tell you what– calm down, okay?” Jaehwan manages, shielding himself with his arms as well as he can. Hongbin grabs the youngest beneath his arms and pulls him back and off Jaehwan.

”How could you not tell me what a fucking psycho he is?!” Sanghyuk yells, angry tears welling out of the corner of his eyes.

”Who?”

”Taekwoon!” Sanghyuk screeches, formalities forgotten. Jaehwan struggles to get up on his feet, holding his aching arm where Sanghyuk managed to get a particularly harsh punch in.

”What do you mean? What happened?”

Sanghyuk breaks free from Hongbin's grip, furiously pulling his shirt down and tilting his head up to show them a thin, red line right across his neck, a single drop of smudged, drying blood reaching down towards his collarbone. ”He grabbed me on the way home from Sungjae's,” he breathes, silent tears still running down his face. Hongbin can only stare, and sees his own look of horror mirrored on Jaehwan's face. ”He held a fucking knife to my throat and told me that if I didn't give you _that_ ,” he points towards the plastic bag on the ground, ”he would come back and kill me.”

”Hyuk,” Jaehwan breathes, looking from the bag to Sanghyuk's cut, ”are you okay?”

”How could you not tell me you made friends with a fucking lunatic?!”

”I'm sorry,” Jaehwan says, his hands coming up to clutch at his hair, eyes wide and disbelieving. ”I'm sorry, okay?”

”Sanghyuk,” Hongbin says, holding onto his arm. ”What's in the bag?”

But Sanghyuk merely shakes his head. ”I don't know. I didn't want to look.”

Jaehwan bends down and picks the bag up shakily. ”Go up to the house,” he says quietly. ”And don't tell mom and dad what happened until me and Hongbin come back, do you understand?” Sanghyuk merely stares at him, fuming. ”We'll just be a couple of minutes, I promise.”

”Fine,” the youngest spits out, angrily tugging his arm from Hongbin's grip. Then he sets off, hurrying over to the side where there's only a small drop between the cliff and the grass below, and neither Hongbin nor Jaehwan dares to breathe until they see him running over the lawn towards the aparment building.

”Oh, God,” Jaehwan groans, holding the bag tightly without daring to look into it. ”Oh, God.”

”Easy, hyung,” Hongbin soothes, walking over to stand right next to him, even though he feels like he can't breathe. ”Take it easy.”

In a silent agreement, Hongbin takes one of the handles from Jaehwan, and they open the bag carefully, both peering down into it with their hearts in their throats, and what they see is white powder, sealed carefully within yet another plastic bag. ”It's heroin,” Jaehwan says shakily, and Hongbin looks away as his stomach churns. ”There's a note.”

”What does it say?”

Jaehwan picks it up, the paper trembling between his fingers, and Hongbin leans over his shoulder to read:

_New offer. Since you appear to be having issues getting the money in time, I have an alternate proposal for you. Take this heroin and off yourself, Jaehwan, and I'll take the knowledge that you're gone from this world as payment. Kill yourself, and we'll call it even._

 

 

 

 

”That's it, we're calling the police.”

Mrs. Lee gets up from her chair at the table, where she has been sitting with Sanghyuk and Mr. Lee until now, ready to run for her cellphone.

”Mom, no, we can't,” Jaehwan says. He's standing with Hongbin in the middle of the kitchen, about a meter away from the table. ”He'll tell them everything about me... about what I did.” He swallows, eyes cast downwards, and his mother slowly sinks back down on the chair.

”He held a _knife_ to Sanghyuk's throat,” Mr. Lee interjects, gesturing towards his son, sitting opposite from him, looking pained. There are bandaids on his neck now, a long line of them. ”He's obviously insane, he needs to be behind bars!”

”Yeah?” Jaehwan says. ”Aren't you always telling me that college is the most important thing, dad? Good luck getting me accepted into a school after he tells the police about my... adventures.”

”What exactly have you done, Jaehwan?” Mrs. Lee says, fear clear in her voice. ”If it's just the drugs, he can't prove–”

”He convinced me to do a lot of things, okay?” Jaehwan half-yells, and Hongbin takes his hand. ”It's not important.”

Mr. Lee looks ready to give up. ”So what do you suggest we do?”

Jaehwan shares a look with Hongbin. ”We have a job interview tomorrow. I will talk to Taekwoon and with our combined efforts, we should be able to pay him back in time.”

”Jaehwan, you know, we have some college savings for Sanghyuk, too,” Mrs. Lee says, putting a hand on the youngest's shoulder. ”It's still years away for him, I'm sure we could manage to get it back before then–”

”No,” Jaehwan says firmly. ”He's had to suffer enough because of me. I got myself into this, I'm getting myself out.”

The other three fall silent, but look all but comforted by his words. ”But it's affecting all of us now,” Sanghyuk says quietly. ”Not just you.”

”Look, I'll talk to Taekwoon and tell him that he's getting his money,” Jaehwan insists. ”He might be doing this because we've been ignoring him up until now. Maybe he'll calm down once I give him a date for when I can pay him back.”

”Okay,” Mr. Lee says. ”Try that. But if anything else happens, we call the police.”

Jaehwan tenses up, but agrees with a nod. ”Okay. With any luck, nothing else has to happen. I think I can talk some sense into him.”

 

 

 

Hongbin and Jaehwan go to bed early that night, Jaehwan on his back, and Hongbin with his head on the older's t-shirt covered chest. His mind is racing from everything that happened during the day, seeing the blood on Sanghyuk's throat, the heroin (which they hurriedly gave to Mr. Lee to get rid of), but most of all, Taekwoon's new offer.

Jaehwan has never struck him as a person who would commit suicide, hell, even now the thought seems strange and distant to him. But things are different now, Hongbin has to remind himself, stranger and sadder than they've ever been before. It's the first time in their lives that Jaehwan has been depressed, and Hongbin can tell that he doesn't know how to talk about it. He seems to be under the impression that talking too much about his problems will drive Hongbin away, and though the younger has denied it time and time again, it doesn't seem to make it easier.

The thought is too horrible. Hongbin doesn't know how to even consider the idea that Jaehwan might indeed kill himself, because whenever he tries, he feels like he can't breathe. And right now, Jaehwan is lying beside him, typing away on his phone, pausing every now and again to take a deep breath, and Hongbin can't do anything but drag his nails over the skin of his arm, slowly, soothingly, and he's glad he can do _that_ , at least. He won't let Jaehwan leave him like that. Never.

”What are you writing?” Hongbin asks, eyelids heavy.

”I'll show you when I'm done.”

Hongbin continues to trace his fingers over Jaehwan's skin, mostly to keep himself awake. The lights are all turned off, and the light from Jaehwan's cellphone is too much for his eyes, so he doesn't bother looking up to read the message the other is typing.

”There,” Jaehwan says eventually, handing him the phone. ”Is that good enough?”

Hongbin squints as he reads it.

_hyung, you'll get your money. i don't have them right now, but i have a job interview tomorrow, so i'll give you all my earnings when i get them, okay? by the end of next month at the latest, i swear. is that good enough? you'll get your money, so please, until then, leave my family alone._

”It's good,” Hongbin says, yet his hands feel sweaty. ”I... I hope he's reasonable enough to listen.”

”Yeah,” Jaehwan breathes. His eyes are dark now, the corners of his mouth are drooping, and Hongbin wants to switch their positions, because no matter how scared he feels, Jaehwan seems even more so. ”Okay... I'm sending it.”

”Do it.”

Jaehwan sends it, then throws his phone onto the nightstand before rolling over onto his side, burying his face in Hongbin's hair. His sadness is tangible, and Hongbin is glad he's finally starting to show it a little. ”I can't fucking believe he did that to Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan mumbles. ”I just can't fucking believe it.”

”Me neither,” Hongbin agrees, rolling over and letting the other press his face against his neck instead. ”But even more so I can't believe he'd ask you to... do that.”

Jaehwan shrugs. ”He's crazy.”

Hongbin swallows, not wanting to breach the subject in the slightest, but his aching heart makes it impossible for him to stay away. ”Hyung... You wouldn't...” he tries, but he can't.

Jaehwan pulls back to look at him. ”What? Kill myself?” Hongbin nods, unable to return his gaze. ”Hongbin, no,” he says, his fingers finding Hongbin's cheek. ”Don't worry about me, okay? I wouldn't, I promise.”

”You'd tell me... If you were thinking about it, right?” Hongbin says, and his throat feels tight, his voice sounds choked. ”It's important to me that you'd tell me if you... had those kinds of thoughts.”

Jaehwan sighs, and they look at each other across the pillow. ”I'm keeping all of that stuff away as well as I can, since I know it'll get better.” His eyes are sincere as they look into his, but to Hongbin it's like a punch in the stomach, because this means the thoughts have been there at some point. ”It's getting better, Hongbin, it really is,” Jaehwan adds, ”it's just taking some time.”

Hongbin forces himself to breathe properly. ”As long as it's going in the right direction.”

”It is,” Jaehwan nods. ”I think getting a job will make it better too, you know? Getting into a routine. So don't worry about it. I could never do that to my family either way.”

Hongbin feels like he's crying, but there are no tears in his eyes. ”Okay,” he breathes. ”I... I feel like I haven't made it clear.” Jaehwan looks at him curiously, and for the first time since they came back home, he doesn't look so unbearably sad. ”I don't know what I would do if you disappeared. I– I love you.”

Jaehwan smiles at him, and when Hongbin's fingers find his chest, he feels his heart beating rapidly against his ribcage. ”I love you, Hongbin,” Jaehwan replies, ”I'm not going anywhere.” Hongbin doesn't know who moves first, but suddenly they're in each other's embrace, holding each other close, and Jaehwan's breath against his neck makes him feel like he's about to lose his mind.

”Good,” he sighs, and he feels better, though he suspects the fear will never truly go away. ”Because I need you here with me, hyung.”

”I'm here. I'm here.”

He kisses Jaehwan hard, hard enough to get his point across, and Jaehwan gives a soft hum in surprise before returning the kiss with as much enthusiasm. Their kisses are hurried, breathless and sloppy, and it sends Hongbin's mind reeling, his body already becoming much too warm, yet he's still quivering slightly against the other, wantonly pressing himself closer. Jaehwan caresses the back of Hongbin's bare thigh, causing goosebumps to rise on his warm skin, before lifting the younger's leg to wrap around his hips. Then his hand trails up, squeezing Hongbin's ass through his underwear, and Hongbin gasps against the other's lips.

”Too much?” Jaehwan whispers between kisses.

Hongbin hurries to shake his head. ”No. Don't stop.” Hongbin's hands hover at the waistband of Jaehwan's underwear; he's uncertain, not of whether he wants this or not – he's never wanted anything so badly in his life – but of whether or not he dares. Jaehwan rids him of his troubles by flipping them over, so that Jaehwan is once again on top, and Hongbin settles for letting his hand wander up Jaehwan's stomach, chest and back under his shirt, relishing in the feeling of his warm skin above him. He wants to do more, but he's worried, because this is the first time anyone has touched him like this, and he knows for a fact that it isn't for Jaehwan.

Jaehwan pulls back, breathing heavily into Hongbin's ear. ”I love your hands on me,” he whispers before kissing Hongbin again, and the younger feels a familiar but strangely unfamiliar throbbing through his veins, struggling to catch his breath as he digs his nails into the older's back.

”Hyung,” Hongbin manages to get out, because he still isn't sure how far Jaehwan wants to take this. ”If you don't stop soon, we're going to have a problem.”

Jaehwan laughs quietly in his ear. ”You mean _this_ problem?” he asks, one of his hands stroking Hongbin's hardening length through his underwear. A whine slips out of Hongbin's mouth against his will, but he can't even feel embarrassed when Jaehwan catches his earlobe in his mouth and gives it a hard suck. ”Yeah, it's a _big_ problem,” he laughs, and Hongbin wants to punch him.

”Hyung,” he whines, but Jaehwan hushes him before pulling his underwear down, just a little bit, enough to give him access to his straining erection. Hongbin trembles at his touch when Jaehwan starts stroking him, and his hands wander all over Jaehwan's body, unsure what to do with himself, especially since Jaehwan alternates between pressing slow, languid kisses to his lips and pulling back to look at his face as it contorts in pleasure.

”You're really beautiful, Hongbin,” he says quietly, speeding up his movements, and Hongbin's whines transform into moans, loud enough so that Jaehwan has to hush him again with a quiet laugh. ”They'll hear you.”

And it's mostly because Hongbin wants to shut him up, get back at him for reducing him to this mess, that Hongbin finally dares to pull the older's underwear down and wrap his fingers around the base of his cock, relishing in the feeling when Jaehwan's hand stutters in its movements and Jaehwan buries his face in Hongbin's neck. ”Fuck,” he breathes, his body arching into Hongbin's hand, and the whole thing is almost too much for him, his body aches because he needs more, needs Jaehwan's lips back on his own.

”Hyung,” he whines again, hips bucking up into Jaehwan's hand, and Jaehwan raises his head to look at him, features tense with pleasure, and Hongbin thinks it is possibly the hottest thing he's ever seen in his life. Jaehwan seems to take the hint, though, because he speeds up his movements further, making Hongbin writhe on the sheets, feeling like he has no control of his body anymore, but he assumes he must be doing something right with the way Jaehwan's breaths come out in harsh, stuttering puffs, his eyes closed and his body jerking closer.

It takes him an embarrassingly short amount of time until his body is convulsing and he can't hold back his noises anymore, and Jaehwan doesn't seem to care as he caresses him to completion, and Hongbin hooks an arm around Jaehwan's neck as he comes, pulling him closer and pressing his face into his skin, whining non-stop, because he's never felt so complete in his life, and he compares it, for a comical moment, to being high. He's still regaining his senses when Jaehwan comes, one hand on the bed holding himself up, the other clutching at Hongbin's shoulder and wandering over his chest, and Hongbin can't calm his heavy breathing or the wave of arousal that hits him again at the knowledge that _he_ 's the one that's got Jaehwan this worked up.

They clean themselves up with a roll of paper that Jaehwan has kept hidden beneath his nightstand (he says with a laugh that since he was cursed with such a hot best friend all his life, it was necessary to always be prepared, and Hongbin feels unbearably warm, yet strangely proud at the words). Then they lie down together, kissing until their lips are chapped, and everything feels surreal to Hongbin. He goes breathless thinking of all the things they have left to try together, because if any of it is as good as _this_ just was, then it's going to get hard to get out of bed at all again.

 

They fall asleep eventually, their minds more comfortable than they've been in a long time. Jaehwan's phone remains silent throughout the night. No reply comes.


	13. Chapter 13

The interview goes well for them both. Hongbin doesn't want to mention that his father is a journalist at the paper, but it seems he's already put in a good word for both Hongbin and Jaehwan, so they are offered part time jobs immediately. Their working hours are to be from 2am to 6am, and Hongbin is set to start working two days later than Jaehwan. It's a victory, a huge stone off his shoulders when he finds out they get to start working as early as next week.

 

He feels like he could burst into song on the way home, but Jaehwan's face stops him from doing so. Jaehwan doesn't say anything, doesn't smile, but acts like he's barely even there on the whole way home. Hongbin doesn't know how to comfort him, because he knows that Jaehwan is tired, close to his breaking point, like a rubber band stretched too far. When they reach Jaehwan's apartment, the older stops outside the door, staring at the ground, unmoving.

”What's the matter?” Hongbin questions carefully, holding his hand a little tighter.

”I don't feel like going inside,” Jaehwan mumbles, his eyes already tear-filled. ”I don't feel like being around people.”

”Oh.” Hongbin looks around, thinking hard. ”Uhm, I could go hang out with Sanghyuk for a while if you want to be alone.”

Jaehwan pulls at his arm. ”You're not _people_.”

”No?”

”I just don't feel like going in there.” A tear rolls over his cheek, and Hongbin wipes it away gently.

”So now I suddenly have to convince you to spend time indoors? That's very unlike you,” he jokes, and Jaehwan gives a sad smile. ”Let's go back to the playground, yeah?” Hongbin says, already pulling him along with him, and Jaehwan follows without a word.

Hongbin wraps his arm around his middle as they make their way over there, and Jaehwan leans his head against his shoulder. ”What are you thinking of?” Hongbin asks as they stand beneath their cliff, hopping up on the only side that's low enough. He reaches out his hand and helps Jaehwan up, too, when the older looks sad and helpless where he stands.

”I'm scared,” he admits when they walk over to the edge together. ”He still hasn't replied to my message. It's been days. I feel like we'll never get the money in time.” He sits down, his feet dangling over the edge as he looks out over their neighborhood. ”I'm so worried all the time that something's going to happen to Hyuk or my parents... or you. I feel like I can't breathe.”

”Hyung, nothing's going to happen,” Hongbin says, and he knows that it's pointless, because he can't know that, but Sanghyuk has stopped going out, and he doubts Taekwoon would mess with his parents very strongly. Jaehwan simply shakes his head, and Hongbin sits down next to him. ”You're right, though. I understand. I'm scared too. So let's... let's give him your parents' money for now.”

Jaehwan turns to him with a frown. ”No.”

”What does it matter if we give the money we earn directly to Taekwoon or if we give them back to your parents?” Hongbin insists. ”Listen, we can pay Taekwoon off now and be done with it, and pay your parents back with what we earn.”

”I don't want to have this discussion right now,” Jaehwan says, angrily wiping at the tears on his cheeks.

”Then when are we going to have it?” Hongbin asks. ”This is happening right now, hyung!”

Jaehwan leans forward and covers his face with his hands. ”I know.” Hongbin wraps his arm over his shoulder, trying to show the other man that he's there for him.

”Think about what's best for you, hyung.”

”I don't want to,” Jaehwan says, shaking his head. ”I feel like that's all I've been doing for months, just thinking about myself.”

Hongbin looks down at the older's hands, still and lifeless against his thighs. ”What's best for you is what's best for all of us in this situaion,” he mumbles, and he sees Jaehwan's lip tremble with effort to keep himself together as more tears roll down his cheeks.

”Fine. We'll give him the damn money.” Jaehwan leans against Hongbin, opening up and crying freely without trying to hide. ”I just want it all to be over with.”

”It will be,” Hongbin exhales in pure relief. ”Very soon.”

And that's when they see him, Taekwoon, walking over the lawn towards the cliff. They stumble to their feet, but before they know it he has reached then, and he's climbing up, trapping them both up there. Hongbin's heart beats so hard he's seeing spots, and he holds onto Jaehwan's lower arms desperately, terrified.

”I didn't want to do this,” Taekwoon says, and there's a knife in his hand as he closes in on them.

”No, hyung, don't,” Jaehwan begs. They stumble backwards, closer to the edge. ”You'll get your money, and soon, I promise you.”

Taekwoon shakes his head. ”I might be evicted because of you and the money you cost me. Do you understand? _Evicted_. I have nowhere else to go.”

”You'll have them by today,” Jaehwan cries, trying to stand in front of Hongbin to shield him from danger, but Honbin refuses. ”Please, hyung, don't do this.”

Taekwoon launches at them, swinging his knife in a wide bow, mostly in Hongbin's direction, and Jaehwan screams. ” _Please,_ leave him alone! If you're going to hurt someone it should be me. He hasn't done anything wrong.” Hongbin wants to tell him to shut up, but he can't find his voice.

”You? Why would I want to hurt you, Jaehwanie?” Taekwoon says sarcastically. ”I need your money. Him, I want gone from the world.” He charges at them again, stabbing the knife firmly towards Hongbin's stomach, and Hongbin jumps back, barely evading the blade, but then he's standing right on the edge and he can't regain his balance, he reaches out and he sees Jaehwan do the same, his fingers brushing Hongbin's shirt, but he's too far gone already, and then he falls, Jaehwan's screams echoing in his ears.

His feet hit the uneven side of the cliff first, and the tingling sensation in his stomach is enough to make him want to scream, but he still can't find his voice, and then his back hits the fence that separates them from the rest of the playground, the side of the plank stopping his fall with a deafening crash. He's jolted forwards, the breath knocked out of his lungs, and then he lands on his stomach, face down in the grass.

He can't move. He can't breathe. He feels the wound opening on his back, blood trickling in every direction and getting his shirt sticky, and though he struggles for a breath he can't move his head and free his nose and mouth from the grass, no matter how hard he tries, and he can't hear anything other than the ringing in his ears, can't see anything but the explosions of color that play on the inside of his eyelids, and then even those, even the ringing, starts to fade away. The last thought he has a chance to form before he falls unconscious is, _what about Jaehwan_?

 

 

 

 

 

”Hongbin... Please, wake up. Please, please.”

Hongbin draws a breath and it scratches at his throat, so he coughs, gasping for air. He's dizzy, his whole body hurts, but he curls his hand around Jaehwan's wrist and knows that at least he's not paralyzed.

”Thank _god,_ ” he hears Jaehwan sob, and he realizes he's lying with his back against Jaehwan's legs, that they're still down on the grass below the cliff, and maybe he hasn't been out for that long after all. ”I've called an ambulance, they're on their way– are you okay?”

Hongbin stares at Jaehwan's hand, because it's covered in blood, and he grips his wrist tighter, looking up into Jaehwan's tear-streaked face. ”Are you hurt?”

Jaehwan shakes his head. ”That's– that's yours, Hongbin, you're bleeding a lot. Are you okay?”

Hongbin forces a hand in under his own back and finds that his shirt is drenched in his own blood. He gasps at the pain, the way it sends aching stabs in every direction of his body. ”Do you need to lie down on your stomach instead?”

Hongbin nods, and Jaehwan holds him in his arms carefully, trying his best to turn him over without hurting him. ”Taekwoon,” Hongbin grunts. ”What happened? Where is he?”

”He left,” Jaehwan cries, and when he turns Hongbin over, Hongbin finds Jaehwan's legs stained red from Hongbin's own blood. ”He– he said he has no interest in hurting me, all he wants is my money.” He wraps his arm around Hongbin's lower back and holds him, shaking with sobs. ”I'm so sorry, Hongbin, I'm so sorry.”

”Stop,” Hongbin musters, and he wants to say more, so much more, tell him that it's not his fault, that it was Taekwoon who did it, not Jaehwan, but his strength is leaving him again, the little strength he had left, and it's only a few seconds more until he loses consciousness again, in Jaehwan's arms, while the older is still holding him close and crying into his hair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They tell the doctors it was just an accident, that Hongbin was just playing around when he fell over the edge, and they buy it without much complaint. They call his parents, to his horror, as well as Jaehwan's, before they make him lie down on his stomach on a gurney. The wound stretches in a straight line from one side of Hongbin's back to the other, and it requires fifteen stitches to close up. They say Hongbin may have a mild concussion, too, after the fall, but that he should have no problems going home. He doesn't need to stay the night at the hospital.

Jaehwan crouches down by Hongbin's side, holding onto his hand through the whole process. He doesn't want to look at the wound, Hongbin can tell, and he's thankful that Jaehwan is there with him, down on his level, allowing Hongbin to focus on his beautiful face when the pain sets in.

Jaehwan's parents arrive at the hospital first, when Hongbin is all stitched up, sitting shirtless on his gurney with Jaehwan beside him. They don't hug him when they enter, but take wordless looks at his back, facing his hollow eyes with sympathy. ”Are you coming with us back home?” Mrs. Lee asks, and Hongbin wants to cry, because he wants to more than anything, but if he knows his mother right, that won't be the case. Jaehwan looks at him anxiously when he doesn't reply.

”I hope so.” He wants to talk to them all about what they're supposed to do now, if they're really going to call the police, but he doesn't want to with the doctor in the same room, and as he looks at them all one by one, he knows they feel the same.

 

Hongbin's mother and father walk in about twenty minutes later, and his heart sinks at the sight of his mother's outraged face.

”That's it,” she says, walking up to him where he sits, ignoring Jaehwan and his parents' presence. ”Put your shirt on, we're going home.”

He shakes his head. ”I want to stay with Jaehwan.” He looks to his father, whose sad eyes feel like his only hope.

”I don't want to hear it,” she replies.

”We will take care of him, I promise you,” Mrs. Lee speaks up, and Hongbin's mother holds up a hand to silence her.

”I don't want you two spending any more time together.” She pulls Hongbin's hand out of Jaehwan's grip, and as they look at each other, Hongbin feels his heart break in his chest. Perhaps it isn't true, but Jaehwan looks helpless without him. More importantly, Hongbin is helpless without Jaehwan.

”Honey,” Hongbin's father says, sweeping in to stand next to her with an apologetic glance to Mr. and Mrs. Lee. ”Let's not be hasty.”

”I didn't think Jaehwan was this kind of person, but look what he has done to our son,” she says, turning Hongbin around forcibly to look at his bandaged wound.

Hongbin winces in pain and tries to argue. ”He didn't–”

”I don't care what happened, I don't want to know! Even if he didn't do it personally, he might as well have! He's the one who got you into this mess.”

Jaehwan looks heartbroken, tears welling up in his eyes again, if he ever really stopped crying, and Hongbin shakes his head at him. ”Don't listen.”

His mother is about to say something when his father puts a hand on her arm. ”Hongbin... I really wish you would come home, too, and tell us what has happened.”

Hongbin returns his father's gaze, and he knows that he owes them an explanation. Even if he isn't sure how to give it to them. ”One night,” he offers. ”One more night away, then I'll come home. Please?”

His mother shakes her head immediately. ”No. You're coming home where I can keep an eye on you.”

”Please,” Hongbin repeats, frustrated tears now slipping down his face, too. ”Just one night. One last night.”

”I said no.”

”Honey,” his father interjects again. ”Look at him. He needs this.”

Hongbin cries harder out of gratitude, locking eyes with his father to make sure he knows it. His mother looks between their faces a few times before she gives up with an exasperated sigh. ”One night, but that is it. I don't want you two to hang around each other after that. Do you understand? You can end this... whatever it is that's going on with you.” Hongbin nods simply to get it over with, and he doesn't even dare to look at Jaehwan this time. ”I'm serious, Hongbin, do you hear me?”

”He gets it,” his father says. ”That's enough.”

 

They leave shortly afterwards, leaving Hongbin with Jaehwan's family. As they walk out the door, Hongbin exchanges a look with his father, and he knows that he will under no circumstances leave Jaehwan alone, not like this. He won't let his mother win, and he's sure his father will help him on the way.

Jaehwan helps him put his shirt back on, one Jaehwan's parents brought for him, when the pain becomes too much for him. He's still crying silently, and Hongbin wants nothing more than to comfort him, tell him that they're not over, that Hongbin will still be there for him, but he needs them to be alone for this.

The car ride home is quiet. Jaehwan and Hongbin sit in the backseat, hands connected on the third empty seat between them, and they both stare out their respective windows, just waiting for time to pass, waiting for the moment when they can finally be alone.

”Tomorrow, we go to the police,” Mr. Lee says eventually. ”First thing in the morning. No objections.”

But none of them have any objections, not Hongbin, not even Jaehwan anymore.

 

 

 

”Hongbin,” Jaehwan cries the moment they close to the door to his room. ”Don't let her keep us apart, I'm sorry for everything, just _please_ don't–”

”Never.” Hongbin wraps his arms around his hyung. ”Never. I swear to you, hyung.”

”I'm so sorry.” Jaehwan is desperate, tears falling non-stop down his reddened face, but Hongbin just shakes his head at him. ”What are we going to do?”

”I don't know,” Hongbin says truthfully. ”My dad will help me, we'll figure something out. Okay? Don't let it worry you.”

”How can I not?” Jaehwan cries, and Hongbin has never seen him look so _destroyed_ before, his eyes red and wide and his nose running. ”I want to kill Taekwoon for doing this to you, I want to kill him.” He stutters and hiccups, and Hongbin hold up a finger to his lips to silence him.

”I'm okay, hyung. See? I'm right here.” Jaehwan doesn't hold him, and he knows that it's becuse of the wound on his back, that he's afraid of hurting him, and strangely enough, in this moment it is Jaehwan's love for him that hurts the most.

”I'll never let him come near you again. Never.”

They move towards the bed to lie down, because by now it is late and the room is dark. Jaehwan cries inconsolably, and Hongbin knows it is because of the mixture of everything: his own depression, Hongbin's injury, the knowledge that by tomorrow Taekwoon might tell the police about what he has done (whatever it is, Hongbin doesn't need to know), at the same time as Hongbin might be snatched away from him and he will have a gaping, empty hole by his side and in his heart that no one else can fill. So Hongbin doesn't say much, because he feels it all too, and he has no idea how they're going to get through this.

”I love you,” Jaehwan breathes over and over again. ”I love you.”

The only way forwards, Hongbin knows, is together. And no matter what tomorrow brings, as long as they have each other, eveything will be okay.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Trigger warning. Please don't take it lightly.

 

 

 

 

 

It takes long for either of them to find any rest that night. No matter how many reassuring words Hongbin whispers into his hair, Jaehwan can't seem to stop crying, and the pain in his back combined with the anxious pounding of his heart keeps Hongbin awake. The knowledge that this might be their last night together until God knows when keeps him clinging to Jaehwan at all times, tightly, as if he's afraid that he'll be snatched away while he's sleeping. He isn't sure if he's ever fully asleep, or ever fully awake, but floats in and out of consciousness, woken up by his own anxieties.

Whenever he wakes up and the thoughts start to swirl through his head again, he thinks only one thing: _It's okay. It's okay._ He focuses on those words because he doesn't want to think any further than that, he just wants to rest, but the words have little effect on him. It's not okay, he realizes – but it will be.

At some point during the night he's awakened by movements around him, and he panics, emotions still running wild in his sleeping system. ”What's going on?” he asks when he sees Jaehwan's darkened shape by the edge of the bed.

”Nothing,” comes Jaehwan's hoarse voice, ”just going to the bathroom. Go back to sleep.” Hongbin feels the other's warm lips against his temple, and he wishes he could calm down, but his hand tugs at Jaehwan's arm, linking their fingers together for a few moments before Jaehwan pulls away. The warmth it gives him is enough to send him back to dream land, if only just for the moment.

The rest of the night is spent in terrible nightmares that he can chase but never quite catch and cold sweat on his forehead every time the pain in his back wakes him. He holds onto the hope that the only reason he feels like this is because there's so much he doesn't know, he doesn't know what will happen with Jaehwan and the police, and he doesn't know what will happen between him and his mother, and he can't function properly when there's so much he _doesn't know_. But come tomorrow, his questions will be answered, and he's ready to fight for everything they have.

 

 

 

But when tomorrow comes, he wakes up to a blood-curling scream. He sits up, disoriented, as the sound rings through the apartment; yes, it definitely comes from inside the apartment, he realizes, and he looks behind him, ready to wake Jaehwan, but the bed is empty beside him. Jaehwan isn't there.

And with that, Hongbin knows.

He climbs out of bed and runs into the hallway, sees the bathroom door open and hears the sounds of Mrs. Lee's broken voice as she sobs, and Hongbin feels dizzy, like the whole apartment is spinning around his head, but he stumbles over to the bathroom door, and he sees Jaehwan's mother on her knees next to the bathtub, her arms clinging to the neck of her still, unmoving eldest son.

 

 

 

 

Out on the cliff, the day before, right after Hongbin had fallen and ripped open the wound on his back, Jaehwan fell to his knees in front of Taekwoon. He was crying already, and Taekwoon looked down on him, far from impressed.

”Don't, please,” Jaehwan cried. ”Don't hurt him any more.”

”I gave you the chance to prevent this from happening already,” Taekwoon said, spinning the knife in his hands. ”Or did your worm of a brother not give you my present?”

Too scared to raise his head, Jaehwan stared at Taekwoon's feet. ”Stop this,” he pleaded. ”Please, don't. I said I'll give you your money, you can have them by today–”

”Didn't I already tell you?” Taekwoon interrupted. ”It's too late.” And from his pocket, he pulled out another plastic bag, throwing it down before Jaehwan. He didn't need to look to see what it was, but simply cried harder, burying his face in his hands. ”Last chance. Do this, and I'll leave your family and boyfriend alone.” Jaehwan pushed his hands through his hair, his face wet with fears, body trembling. ”You know what they say,” Taekwoon continued, crouching down to get a better look at the younger's face. ”Heroin is the most painless way to off yourself. It's just like falling asleep.” Jaehwan squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out his words, because as much as he wished it wasn't true, he was longing for this nightmare to be over. Taekwoon stood up. ”But then again, what do I know. I've never died.” He laughed, leaving Jaehwan to fight for a breath where he was sitting. ”Think about it carefully. I'll give you a few days.” He turned around to leave, but came to a halt, turning around again. ”Oh, and by the way. If you think that going to the police will end this?” He shook his head. ”You clearly never knew me to begin with.”

He walked away with that, and Jaehwan managed to hold him back until he was a safe distance of at least thirty meters away before he eased himself down from the cliff, darting over the fence to find Hongbin there, lifeless and bleeding.

It was in that moment that a door opened somewhere in his head, one that he didn't know how to close again later. The sight of Hongbin and the enormous blood stain that was forming on the back of his shirt was enough for part of him to decide, subconsciously or not, that this needed to end, and that Jaehwan himself was the only one who could do it.

Everything he had been trying to escape, things he had done and thought and felt while the drugs were pumping through his system, feelings and ideas that he didn't know how to shut out once he had opened his mind to them, all mixed in his head when he kneeled down next to Hongbin, pulling him up and turning him over, shaking him carefully, not breathing until he knew that Hongbin was okay.

He didn't think there was a way to close the wound he had opened, that he would ever be able to go back to being a happy person. He would end up killing himself in the end, he was sure, so why wait, now that a method was presented to him and the lives of his loved ones depended on it? Why wait? Why not just get it over with and make the process so much easier for everyone?

 

He didn't know if it was a selfish act or not, right up until he laid down in the empty bathtub, unable to stop his desperate tears from falling. He thought about Hongbin, how he would react, and he knew that the younger would be in pain, too much pain to even speak, but only initially. It wouldn't last, he knew that, and that was the only thing he could tell himself to feel better about his decision. He had already brought too much undeserved pain on Hongbin, who had been nothing but supportive, saved his life on more than one occasion, and done everything in his power to pull Jaehwan through his own personal hell.

Wonderful, amazing Hongbin. He thought of Hongbin's words, ”everything will be okay, hyung,” and he put his all into trusting that; that once he was gone, everything would be okay. Hongbin loved him, which meant he had already experienced the highest level of happiness a human could achieve. If he only hadn't gone and ruined it for himself.

Selfish or heroic, it didn't matter, as long as his life ended.

 

 

 

Hongbin doesn't know any of this, of course – not yet. It's all in the letter with a simple _Hongbin_ written on the envelope, placed on the sink with three other similar ones. For now, Hongbin is so distracted by the sight of Jaehwan's face, his skin so pale and his lips blue, that he doesn't see the letters even for a moment.

He drags himself to the bathtub in a daze, his mind repeating the word _no_ with every step he takes, _no no no_ , because this can't be right. It has to be a mistake. Jaehwan can't be– he swore he would never, he swore, he didn't he? And Jaehwan would never go back on his word, he had never– he said he wouldn't, so– this can't be happening.

”Is he...” Hongbin says, his own voice echoing back to him from somewhere far away, barely audible beneath the sounds of Mrs. Lee's cries. ”He can't be... Did someone– someone has to call an ambulance.” He taps his pockets, searching for his phone, but he's in his sleeping gear still, just a t-shirt and sweatpants, and he doesn't have his phone on him. His eyes never leave Jaehwan's face, and Mrs. Lee never spares him a look or acknowledges his words. ”Hey, we have to– we should really–”

Mrs. Lee lets go of her son, and he falls back against the tub, chin against his shoulder. ”He's dead,” she says. Hongbin stares. ”He's been dead for hours.”

”What the hell is going on?” comes a voice from behind them, and Hongbin turns around to see Sanghyuk pushing the door open slightly.

”No, Sanghyuk,” Hongbin groans, hurrying over to block his sight, ”stay out.”

”What–” Sanghyuk tries to peek over his shoulder, and Hongbin pushes him away, takes him back out into the hallway and shuts the door behind them, but it's too late. Judging by the way his face loses all color and his eyes darken, he has already seen what he will never be able to forget. ”Is he okay?” he mumbles, but it's not as much of a question than it is the last of his hope leaving him in a single breath; the only brother he will ever have is gone. ”He will be okay, right?”

Hongbin doesn't want to, he wishes for all he's worth that he wouldn't have to do it, but he shakes his head. ”No... Hyuk, I think he's...”

Sanghyuk tries to make his way back to the bathroom, to pull the door open again, but Hongbin holds him by his shoulders, making sure to keep him away. ”Let go,” Sanghyuk bites out, but Hongbin shakes his head again.

”No. There's nothing you can do.”

”Why isn't anyone trying to help him?” Sanghyuk almost yells. He's crying now, and Hongbin touches his own cheek, surprised to find it dry. ”Why isn't anyone doing anything?”

Mr. Lee walks out from the kitchen to join them. He holds his cellphone in his shaking hand, and he looks broken, more so than anyone Hongbin has ever seen. ”I tried,” he said. ”I found him... I called an ambulance and I gave him CPR for as long as I could.”

”Is he really...” Hongbin tries but can't finish the question.

”I tried. I tried, but h-he was already cold.”

Hongbin feels like he's about to vomit, and suddenly his legs can't support him anymore, so he lets go of Sanghyuk and allows himself to sink down on the floor. His back aches, but it's hardly a problem; more like a relief from everything else that floods him, a distraction from having to focus on how his heart tears itself into pieces.

”The ambulance should be here by now.”

Not until now does Hongbin think of Taekwoon, his threats and messages, and his head feels hot, full to the brim with blood and hate and God only knows what else, so he crawls towards the front door, too weak to even get up on all fours. He has to kill Taekwoon. He has to, or he will never go back to normal.

”Where are you going?” Sanghyuk cries from somewhere behind him.

”I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him.” His hand reaches the doormat, and he's glaring up at the door handle when Sanghyuk's hand closes around his shin.

”Stay. Hyung, please stay.”

And Hongbin stares back at him, sees the younger's fear of being left completely alone now that Jaehwan is gone, and he softens. Though he wants to leave, he can't. So he sits up, takes Sanghyuk in his arms and is surprised when he hugs him back, and they only move to give room for the ambulance workers five minutes later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon is arrested that same day, and none of them dare leave the apartment until they hear the news. Hongbin learns that encouraging someone to commit suicide can land you in jail for manslaughter, which is most likely what will happen to Taekwoon. As time passes by, Hongbin feels like he cares less and less. Torturing Taekwoon won't bring Jaehwan back. Nothing will. Neither will it heal Hongbin's wounds.

His mother picks him up in the afternoon, when Jaehwan's mother has already told her what has happened. They're silent on the (thankfully very short) car ride home, and when they enter their apartment Hongbin won't let his mother comfort him, but instead sits in his father's arms, back to being a small child as he cries and cries and cries until the skin on his cheeks starts drying out. They worry about him enough to talk to him about the idea of suicide, asking him just like Hongbin asked Jaehwan, _you wouldn't do that, would you?_ And Hongbin shakes his head in reply. He could never do that to Sanghyuk now, not after everything. In contrast to Jaehwan, Hongbin actually means it when he says that.

He won't hug his mother back when she wraps her arms around him. Maybe he never will. There's a bruise in their bond now, because she has proven that she doesn't care about what Hongbin wants, or what is best for him. All that matters to her is who she wishes Hongbin would be. And he can never trust her like that.

 

 

 

 

 

It takes a while, but he manges to convince his parents to trust him enough to leave him alone, and he gets permanently stuck in front of photoshop on his laptop. He opens photo after photo of Jaehwan, but he ends up just staring at the screen, not knowing what to do with them. He has countless pictures of Jaehwan from his last weeks alive, the weeks they got to spend as a real couple after wasting so much time.

His own room is painful to be in, what with all the pictures of Jaehwan staring at him from all direction of the ceiling, but it's a comfort, too. Not nearly sufficient, but a comfort nonetheless. The pictures will remain there until he moves out, which hopefully isn't too far into the future. Wherever he ends up, he will bring the pictures with him. Wherever he goes, Jaehwan will follow.

Eventually, he opens the photo he took of Jaehwan the day that Taekwoon put his knife to Sanghyuk's throat, the one of Jaehwan lying on top of the cliff with the neighborhood displayed behind him. Hongbin loves the picture to bits, because Jaehwan is looking at him with such interest, and the sky behind him is clear and blue, while the houses below look serene and peaceful.

This is his favorite picture of Jaehwan. It doesn't matter that it was taken on top of their cliff, a place which Hongbin will never return to again. The wish that they had never gone out there that day when Hongbin hurt his back is simply too strong. Things could have ended so differently if they hadn't.

He makes Jaehwan's relaxed figure black and white and lets the rest of the world remain in color. Isn't that what it's like, really? The world keeps moving, but Jaehwan has stopped. Doesn't it make sense?

Perhaps. But it doesn't feel right. So Hongbin closes the tab and opens the picture again, Jaehwan's rosy cheeks piercing his heart once again, like so many times before. He stares at his face, remembering something he said on one of their first days together: ”I wish that I would have been brave enough to trust you with all of this instead of dragging us both into this mess.”

It isn't all that long ago, but it feels like another lifetime. That was Jaehwan's first mistake, truly, thinking he had to go it all alone when Hongbin was right here. Jaehwan was aware of this mistake, yet he went and did it again, hiding his feelings from Hongbin and searching for the solution on his own.

Hongbin makes the whole picture achromatic, but leaves Jaehwan's colors untouched. _That's_ how it really is. Jaehwan gave the world its colors, and whether he meant to or not, now that he's gone it is all grey, black and white. Hongbin doesn't know if they will ever come back. But for now, he will do his best to protect the ones Jaehwan has loved in his memory, including himself, until the colors start seeping back into their world, one by one.  


End file.
